One Man, Two Guvnors (Broadway Edition) by Richard Bean

Author:Richard Bean
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: OBERON BOOKS Ltd

Act Two

SCENE ONE

Round the back of CHARLIE CLENCH’s house. The trading sign reads – SCRAP METALS or CHARLIE CLENCH scrap metal – and a tag sign reads Ferrous and non-Ferrous, copper and York Stone. ALAN, arrives, determined. He takes out a knife. Enter HARRY DANGLE.

ALAN: Destiny. Destiny. Destiny. What is destiny? If you’re a bus, your destiny is the bus station. And if you talk to buses, as I do, they tell you that their destiny is writ deep in their bus-y souls, it is inescapable, it is The Timetable. Buses laugh at love. Ha, ha, ha! Love is fluff, very fluffy fluff, destiny is steel.

DANGLE: Orlando?! What are you doing here?

ALAN: My honour has been fiddled with. I said I would return and take my revenge – et voila!

He shows the knife.

DANGLE: Where did you get that knife?

ALAN: Woolworths.

DANGLE: Put it away boy. We, the educated classes, have our own weapons; the law; contract; and my particular specialism – sesquipedalia verbis.

ALAN: Words?

DANGLE: Not just words, words a foot and a half long.

ALAN: If sesquipedalia verbis fails, if Charlie refuses to allow me to marry Pauline, tell him he will have this to deal with. (He holds the knife out. ALAN exits. CHARLIE opens his front door.)

CHARLIE: What?

DANGLE: Have the impediments before Alan’s marriage to Pauline been removed as I demanded?

CHARLIE: No. And it ain’t my fault. I thought Roscoe was dead.

During DANGLE’s next speech CHARLIE tries to interrupt but fails.

DANGLE: Your precocious contract with Roscoe was initiated in order to facilitate a relationship of mutual expediency and as such is antithetical to the Judeo/Christian and common law conception of marriage. The contract’s legality is at best ephemeral and in resurrecting it, following Roscoe Crabbe’s own miraculous resurrection, is a classic exemplar of Breach of Promise. Post hoc ergo propter hoc. [After this, therefore because of this.]

CHARLIE: What you trying to say?

DANGLE: You’re up shit creek without a paddle!

CHARLIE: In my world there’s a code. It ain’t written down, there’s no books, but it’s a code, like the law. I ain’t got no choice, but to abide by it.

DANGLE: On reflection I am not sure that I want my son to dive into the fetid pond that is your family. (Exit DANGLE.

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah. Pauline’s gonna marry Roscoe and that’s that. And I’ll give you some Latin for a change. Que Sera Sera! (Exit DANGLE. CHARLIE turns to go back indoors. Enter ALAN.) Bugger me, it’s Errol Flynn!

ALAN: Is it true?

CHARLIE: Yeah, it is true, yeah. What?

ALAN: Is Pauline to marry Roscoe Crabbe?

CHARLIE: That’s right. Wait here, I’ll get you a presents list.

ALAN draws the knife, nervously, a little embarrassed by its reality.

ALAN: Do not torment me!? I am no longer responsible for my actions, I am dangerous, unpredictable, like a wasp in a shop window.

CHARLIE: Where did you get that knife?

ALAN: Woolworths.

CHARLIE: What you gonna do with it sunshine?

ALAN: Don’t push me! I can do it.

CHARLIE: No, you can’t. ‘Cause this is real, it ain’t a play.

ALAN lunges towards

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