No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas by Tracy Bloom

Author:Tracy Bloom [Bloom, Tracy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781786812575
Publisher: Bookouture
Published: 2017-10-23T18:30:00+00:00

To Matthew’s surprise, Alison met him at the door when he returned that evening. His heart skipped a beat when she appeared before he even had time to get his key out of his pocket. He knew she’d been to see the midwife that morning. He hoped that all was fine. Typically Alison went into anxiety overdrive during this stage in her pregnancies, as a mixture of excitement and terror at the impending birth caused pure adrenaline to shoot through her veins. So much so that he feared she would make herself ill just when she needed her health the most.

But one look at her face and he could tell all was well. She was beaming as much as she was blooming. Blooming enormous, in fact. He instinctively reached out to cup the mound of her belly in awe, as always, that hidden in there was their next child.

‘Come quick,’ she urged, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the hall. ‘You have to see this.’

He put his computer bag down and then hung up his scarf and coat as Alison disappeared into the living room. He couldn’t help feeling relieved. Whatever she was dragging him to see was clearly so exciting that it was deflecting from the whole Ian trauma.

He entered the living room to find George and Rebecca chasing each other in circles round and round the coffee table. Normally this would be enough to send Alison into a flurry of instructions to ‘calm down, slow down, and stop now or you’ll hurt yourselves’, but for some reason today she was looking on fondly as they careered headlong into the sofa.

‘I will get to the stable first,’ shouted George, shoving Rebecca to one side and launching himself on to the sofa.

‘I’m having a baby,’ Rebecca shouted back, dragging him off to take prime position next to the cushions.

Matthew looked at Alison in confusion. This sort of behaviour was usually unacceptable. What on earth had happened?

‘Tell Daddy who you were at your new preschool today, George,’ Alison asked him.

‘Joseph!’ shrieked George.

Alison looked triumphantly at Matthew. ‘This is brilliant news for his anxiety,’ she said. ‘I simply cannot believe it. He actually told me how excited he was. George, who normally would come home weeping at the thought of standing up in front of anyone he didn’t know.’

‘That’s brilliant,’ said Matthew.

‘And tell Daddy who you were, Rebecca,’ continued Alison.

‘Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary,’ chanted Rebecca.

‘Wow!’ exclaimed Matthew, scooping her up in his arms. ‘How did that happen?’

‘Master Elf said I could be Mary,’ said Rebecca.

‘I knew this was going to be a great preschool,’ said Alison. ‘They clearly have a great understanding of how to deal with twins.’

‘They gave them the star parts?’ said Matthew in wonder that Alison had managed to achieve her aim.

‘Master Elf said I was the best Joseph,’ said George, jumping off the sofa and pulling at his arms.

‘But he said I was the best Mary,’ protested Rebecca. ‘Best he had ever seen.’

‘Well, Master Elf sounds like quite a guy,’ said Matthew, looking questioningly at Alison.

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