My Family by David Baddiel

Author:David Baddiel [Baddiel, David]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2024-06-12T12:00:00+00:00

WAUGH: Ah! That’s better! I’m braver than you, I wear a woolly outer garment. I’m braver than anyone! When a German plane comes over, I never take cover, you know why?

RANDOLPH: Yes, you’re a cunt.

There was a long, long beat of silence, before Sylvia looked up and said, slowly, thoughtfully, as if – sorry – tasting the word: ‘Cunt.’ The letters seemed to hover in the air in front of her. She continued: ‘What’s that?’

I chose, after some small consideration, not to answer her. It looked for a while like no one would. I could hear Ivor laughing – he was in the kitchen grating sugar, he tells me, because our grandparents’ larder was so cold it had coagulated. Then my grandpa said, ‘Oh, that’s terrible. I haven’t heard language like that since the trenches.’

I love that Grandpa Henry said that. It certainly suggests his life had been a little closeted between Armistice Day and this moment in 1978. Then again, it does also suggest he had heard the word a lot back then. Which is a bit worrying in terms of his popularity among his fellow troops. Perhaps on Christmas Day 1914 he was the only British soldier who refused to play football.

Either way, my grandmother sensed something was awry and abruptly shut Spike Milligan’s masterpiece. As she did so, she noticed on the back an obviously – to most eyes – fake quote.

She read that out loud too: ‘“I resign,” General Montgomery.’

‘I’m not surprised after reading this,’ she said, with great disdain, and put the book down.

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