Maximum Willpower by McGonigal Kelly

Author:McGonigal, Kelly [McGonigal, Kelly]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9780230765634
Publisher: Macmillan Publishers UK
Published: 2012-01-04T22:00:00+00:00

ANYTHING BUT SELF-FORGIVENESS!

As soon as I mention self-forgiveness in class, the arguments start pouring in. You would think I had just suggested that the secret to more willpower was throwing kittens in front of speeding buses. “If I’m not hard on myself, I’ll never get anything done.” “If I forgive myself, I’ll just do it again.” “My problem isn’t that I’m too hard on myself – my problem is that I’m not self-critical enough!” To many people, self-forgiveness sounds like excuse-making that will only lead to greater self-indulgence. My students commonly argue that if they are easy on themselves – that is, if they don’t focus on their failures, criticize themselves when they don’t live up to their high standards, or threaten themselves with horrible consequences if they don’t improve – they will slide into sloth. They believe that they need a stern voice in their head controlling their appetites, their instincts, and their weaknesses. They fear that if they give up this inner dictator and critic, they will have no self-control at all.

Most of us believe this at some level – after all, we first learned to control ourselves as children through parental commands and punishment. This approach is necessary during childhood because, let’s face it, children are wild animals. The brain’s self-control system does not fully develop until young adulthood, and kids need some external support while their prefrontal cortices fill out. However, many people treat themselves as if they are still children – and frankly, they act more like abusive parents than supportive caregivers. They criticize themselves whenever they give in to temptation or fail in their own eyes: “You’re so lazy! What’s the matter with you?” Each failure is used as evidence that they need to be even stricter with themselves. “You can’t be trusted to do anything you say you will.”

If you think that the key to greater willpower is being harder on yourself, you are not alone. But you are wrong. Study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. It is also one of the single biggest predictors of depression, which drains both “I will” power and “I want” power. In contrast, self-compassion – being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure – is associated with more motivation and better self-control. Consider, for example, a study at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, that tracked the procrastination of students over an entire term. Lots of students put off studying for the first exam, but not every student made it a habit. Students who were harder on themselves for not studying for the first exam were more likely to procrastinate on later exams than students who forgave themselves. The harder they were on themselves, the longer they procrastinated for the next exam! Forgiveness – not guilt – helped them get back on track.

These findings fly in the face of our instincts. How can this be, when so many of us have a strong

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