Married But Lonely by David E. Clarke

Author:David E. Clarke
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
ISBN: 9781621360056
Publisher: Charisma Media
Published: 2013-01-04T16:00:00+00:00

Pretty brutal, huh? Long, detailed, and gut-level honest. And brutal. Your intimacy avoider will begin to crack and splinter after you read him your letter. I have seen this kind of letter lead to healing and forgiveness in wives and to husbands who are motivated to change. That may seem like the impossible dream, but it isn’t. So sit down today and start writing. You will be glad you did.

Chapter 10

Yeah, I’m Talking to You

OK, YOU HAVE just finished reading your letter of resentments, and you can tell by the expression on your husband’s face that you’ve gotten his attention. He doesn’t look like a deer in the headlights. No, he is way past that. He looks like a deer that’s been hit by the car behind the headlights. He has entered . . . The Twilight Zone. He’s wondering whatever happened to his sweet, kind, she’s-practically-a-saint-and-never-rocked-the-boat-before wife. This is bad. Really bad.

You’ve made a good start, but it’s only a start. You want to make sure this is much more than just a moment in time or a flash flood that temporarily pushes him off the road to intimacy avoidance and into a ditch. Remember, IAs are masters of the rapid recovery. Don’t let him recover and begin to feel comfortable. Don’t let him make promises and then, after two weeks, revert to the same old routine.

You have to maintain your edge. You have to keep him on edge. You must force him off the dead-end road he is on and onto another, better road—the road to becoming a loving, more expressive husband. In the meantime you must keep on being the “new you.” The “I’m going to tell you the way it is every time” you. A better, healthier you. Keep going. It just might lead to a better husband.

One-Way Communication

How do you get him off the wrong road and onto the right one? By continuing to be upfront, honest, and straightforward using one-way communication. One-way communication is going directly to your IA and briefly telling him the truth about your thoughts and emotions concerning something that has happened in your relationship. I call it one-way because you do all the talking.

You tell him he doesn’t have to respond. Just ask him to listen and understand, take time to process what you’ve said, and find you and share his reaction when he’s ready. When you are done talking, simply go silent. If you are at home, walk away. If you are in the car, a restaurant, or out somewhere, be quiet for at least five minutes. After that you can continue in silence or bring up another topic of conversation. You speak your piece, and you move on.

Unlike what you’ve done in the past, you do not press him for an immediate reaction. Why not? Two reasons:

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