Mad About Us by Gary J. Oliver

Author:Gary J. Oliver
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2007-10-01T04:00:00+00:00

By identifying his fairly common pattern, Jim was able to see signs that alerted him to his anger and thus allowed him to move on to Step #2. Over a period of several months he developed the skill of catching his anger more quickly, often at stage two or three, and dealing with it before it got out of hand.

STEP #2:

Admit your anger and accept

responsibility for it

When we are angry it is easy for us to blame someone else, to say ‘‘It’s your fault. You made me angry.’’ Adam and Eve did it, and we do it. This is especially true in marriage. We can blame our spouse, our children, our boss, our friends, the weather, the mechanic, people we know, or people we have never met.

While it is true that other people can say or do things that influence our experience of anger, we are responsible for how we choose to express it. If we are angry it is our anger, not someone else’s. What we do with our anger is our choice.

When we admit our anger and accept responsibility for it, we are saying, ‘‘I am angry. I can’t control the fact that I am experiencing anger. But with God’s help I can control how I choose to express my anger.’’

In Psalm 139:23–24, David writes, ‘‘Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.’’ David takes personal responsibility for what he needs to do. Notice he doesn’t say ‘‘Search my wife’’ or ‘‘Try my spouse’s heart.’’ He says search me, test me, and lead me.

As Jim became more aware of when and why he was angry, he found it easier to admit it and accept responsibility for it. This helped to reinforce in his mind the difference between the experience of anger and the expression of anger. Up until this point he had functioned as if his experience and expression of anger were the same thing and he had no choice. As he better understood his experience of anger, he became more aware of his freedom to choose healthy ways to express it.

As Jim increasingly admitted and accepted responsibility for his anger this led to a decrease in his tendency to blame Donna and the kids. We often begin a counseling session with the question ‘‘What’s been a little bit better since the last time we met?’’ Jim was surprised when Donna responded to that question with ‘‘Over the past few weeks the kids and I have noticed that Jim isn’t blaming us as much.’’ We could tell that this had been a very meaningful change. ‘‘How has that been helpful to you?’’ I asked. ‘‘Well,’’ Donna said, ‘‘I hadn’t really thought about that, but I guess the more I hear him take responsibility and not blame me, the safer I feel around him and the easier it is for me to trust him.’’

STEP #3:

Determine who

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