Loving Him Well by Gary L. Thomas

Author:Gary L. Thomas
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2018-01-09T05:00:00+00:00

SHARING NEEDS

Focusing on having our needs met can be selfish, of course, but there’s a way to share needs that builds intimacy and respect. It can even become an act of humility: “I need your help. Will you help me?” Clothed in biblical humility, sharing needs can become an incredibly vulnerable and thereby courageous act that gives birth to increased intimacy. Clothed in demands, sharing needs can become a selfish accusation that builds walls: “How come you never talk to me when you get home? Why are you always ignoring me? Is that any way for a Christian man to treat his wife?”

The proper way to share needs involves having the right motivation and using the right presentation.

Motivation

Your first goal as a sister in Christ is to help your husband more fully express the image of Jesus. Of course, God calls all of us to do that; it just so happens that in this instance, such a change will make your life more pleasant. If you make gaining a more pleasant life your first aim, however, your husband will likely pick up on that and resist your selfish demand. She’s not perfect either, he’ll think, so why doesn’t she just get off my back?

Here’s the purest motivation for change: God calls us to “purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians 7:1). You call your husband to change in the context of reverence for a perfect God, not in comparison with an imperfect wife.

Get painstakingly honest with yourself in prayer before you approach your husband. Dig deep into those buried motivations. Are you praying this way because your husband makes your life miserable, or because you’re concerned about how he is grieving God and destroying himself spiritually? Are you motivated out of selfish ambition, or out of selfless love? I know it is truly difficult to be altruistic in the face of understandable and legitimate hurt, but that’s what prayer and the Holy Spirit’s comfort, guidance, and empowerment are all about.

If selfishness motivates you, you’re far more likely to give up if you don’t get the immediate response you hoped for: It’s not worth the hassle, you think. I guess I’ll just have to learn to put up with it. But if you truly dedicate yourself to your husband’s spiritual welfare, you’ll stick with it and persevere.

This is not to suggest you are responsible for your husband’s spiritual health; some men will resist the godliest advances ever proposed. Remember what we said early on. You can’t guarantee success, but you can deserve it. That’s all I’m talking about here.

Presentation

Ray urges wives who are married to angry men to “use a loving tone of voice and let them know you really care about them and are committed to them. If you say something the wrong way, you can kill the content. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. Tell your husband you care about his character because you see a good man in him.

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