Ivy Tiller by Bea Roberts

Author:Bea Roberts [Roberts, Bea]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781788506267
Publisher: Nick Hern Books

6. TINKER

IVY arrives back home from the pub, alone, seething. ‘Bitch Boss’ continues to pound out.

IVY stares at the grey-squirrel skins hanging from the line. Suddenly she’s a whirl of activity, pulling the skins down from the line until she has an armful.

IVY goes through the box of toys and pulls out some Sylvanian Family figures.

IVY opens up her laptop and types angrily.

IVY finds her lollipop lady uniform and puts it on. She exits.

JADE screams offstage.

7. STUFFED

JADE, IVY and MRS ALLEN, the headmistress, are in her office. IVY is wearing her lollipop lady uniform.

On the desk is a crude and grotesque tableau comprising a badly stuffed grey squirrel looming over some Sylvanian Families.

They stare at it for some time.

Finally, IVY speaks –

IVY. I really don’t understand why I’m here.

JADE. You don’t? You honestly don’t have a single clue about this, this…

IVY. Learning aid?

JADE. Fuck me.

IVY. Urrrrr, are you going to allow that?

MRS ALLEN. Yes.

IVY. Well I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all Mrs Allen. You know the other day, I heard her saying to one of the dinner ladies that Reuben Ellis is a little ‘poop’.

JADE. ‘Shit’ I said he’s a little shit.

IVY. She admits it!

MRS ALLEN. Reuben Ellis is a little shit. And I believe you have already expressed your concerns about Jade quite thoroughly in this letter myself and the school governors received on Friday.

IVY. Excuse me, that letter’s anonymous.

MRS ALLEN. And how would you know that?

–

I am up to my eyes in SATs, PGCE students, the PTA, the NUT, leaky Portakabins, missing stick insects and head lice, courtesy of Class Five. I do not have time for this, whatever this is.

IVY. It’s clearly a learning aid.

MRS ALLEN. Vendetta.

JADE. Thank God it was me that found it and not one of the kids.

IVY. Oh blaspheme as well, why not. Anything goes doesn’t it.

JADE. I say this with compassion – I think you need some help.

IVY. With what? With what?

JADE. You left a dead squirrel terrorising some Sylvanian Families in the storytime corner of a children’s classroom!

IVY. It’s a tableau! It’s art. Okay, yes, I did do it and I’m proud because it’s educational, actually. I’m contributing to the children’s education. All I’ve done is to do my best. It’s very hard to learn taxidermy off of YouTube!

MRS ALLEN. Alright, alright, let’s all calm down. Thank you.

IVY. Whilst I’m here Mrs Allen, I’m very interested to know what you’re doing vis-à-vis my request to get a book struck from the curriculum? Tommy and Tinker it’s short-sighted propaganda and the illustrations are completely rubbish.

–

MRS ALLEN. Ivy, we appreciate your passion and your dedication to… your cause but this situation is becoming untenable.

IVY. I couldn’t agree more Mrs Allen. And you know, she’s tried her best but I think we can all see Jade, this isn’t a good fit for you here at St Jude’s –

MRS ALLEN. Ivy –

IVY. No, I’m being kind Mrs Allen. I think it’s fair to say Jade, that you’re just not aligning, sufficiently, with the values we have here.

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