Is This Love? by C. E. Riley

Author:C. E. Riley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Profile
Published: 2022-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

I simply could not believe, at first, what I read on those pages. It was like having all the air sucked out of my being. I kept staring at the line ‘because there is a history of emotional, psychological and physical abuse’ and wondering how you dared say it. How fucking dare you?

I really wanted to hurt you then, I think. To simply snuff you out. I had been holding on by a thread for weeks, trying to make sense of why you were behaving as you were. Feeling worried for you, that you felt you had to do it this way. Actually feeling sad for you, sorry that you were so fucked up that this was the only way you felt you could proceed.

But no, I should have known. You were going to play the victim. The role in which you always excelled, a regular fucking masterclass this time. And you were going to spin it for every penny you could get.

I looked at the pages again, trying to calm my breathing. I was panicking, I could hardly catch my breath. I wanted to read the document again, but a feeling of absolute terror was taking hold of me.

I had no control over what you were saying to people. If you’d said all this to your lawyer, what were you saying to people I knew? What would they think? What would happen? Everything was spinning out of control and I had no way to get a grip on you, to stop what you were doing.

I phoned Nancy, and tried to explain what I’d found. I was talking too fast, gasping for air between sentences that tumbled out in no order. She got the drift. Should you be reading that? she asked. What the fuck does that matter? The point isn’t whether I’ve read it or not, the point is she’s fucking said it. Out loud. To a fucking lawyer!

I went through it all again, slower, trying to temper my rage, to sound reasonable in my explanations. She says we’ve been together for four years, not six. That’s a lie I can disprove in an instant. She’s an idiot, why would you say something so obviously a lie? And this thing about your birthday weekend – what a piece-of-shit story that is. She was waiting to tell me she was leaving me until after your weekend away, because she didn’t want to ruin a fucking party? Who does that? Does she think that makes her look like a better person? She put me through the most miserable weekend of my life, running around her like a fucking lapdog because I knew something was up and she kept telling me I was imagining it. And all because she’s such a fucking martyr, she cares about other people so much, that she didn’t want to take the edge off a fucking three-day bender in a castle?

She’s going to take everything, Nancy. I can see what she’s doing. She’s made up a story and she’s going to use it to screw me out of everything.

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