Indie Spiritualist by Chris Grosso

Author:Chris Grosso
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books/Beyond Words

27

TRIUMPHANT LIFE FUCK-UPS & LOVING-KINDNESS

Sometimes, to come to your senses, you must go out of your mind.

Alan Watts

I spent the greater part of my life not being beautiful, not being myself. I began getting pierced at sixteen and tattooed at eighteen, which was the earliest I legally could do so in my state. It was around junior high that I realized I didn’t believe I, just as myself, was enough. I needed something more to make me feel special, or like I had something to offer. I know it probably sounds weird that something like piercings and tattoos made me feel that way, but they did. It wasn’t long, however, before they failed to give me that false sense of self-confidence and worth they’d temporarily provided. (Note: I still get tattooed and am in no way against them. Today, however, I get them for different reasons.)

From piercings and tattoos, I moved on to drug and alcohol experimentation, abuse, and finally addiction. I have used, lied to, manipulated, and inflicted so much pain on family, friends, girlfriends, and strangers that, at times, it’s almost unbearable to face.

I have spent the better part of my life not being beautiful, but I am not a victim and this isn’t about writing for sympathy. This isn’t some sappy, Hollywood story where things magically turn around and life becomes perfect after finding my way out of active addiction. You see, there’s still very much a part of me that is rooted in the darkness of my past, and all the shit that’s buried from years of selfish, self-destructive behavior. Sure, it’s important to focus on the better things of today, but it’s also highly irresponsible for me to ignore and pretend like the wreckage of the past isn’t still taking up residence inside.

If I am to be truly responsible for myself, then I have to accept that discomfort and acknowledge the aspects of myself that scare the shit out of me and make my heart sink, because this is where true healing can begin.

I can tell you that, today, life is beautiful more often than not. I can say that. But I recognize that I’m only able to say that because I’ve spent a lot of time cultivating the qualities of loving-kindness and compassion for myself. It may seem selfish that I’ve worked on cultivating those qualities first and foremost for myself, but I had to face the hard truth that, while I’ve always believed myself to be compassionate toward others (with the exception of my time in active addiction), the majority of it was a facade. I’ve never maliciously wanted to hurt others, even while using, but as much as I’d like to think that I’ve always wanted the best for them, if I was coming from a place where I didn’t care about myself, how could I truly care for them?

If I really don’t care about my own well-being, what does that say about my own mental state? If I really don’t like

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