I Declare War by Levi Lusko

Author:Levi Lusko
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Thomas Nelson
Published: 2018-09-25T16:00:00+00:00

How crazy is that? Our brains are so hungry to write “case closed” over other people’s bizarre behavior that they can cloud us into falsely convicting them of a crime they might not have committed—all to get the satisfaction of not having to wonder what their motives were. Your husband might have been legitimately oblivious, not mean, but because your brain hated not knowing, it played judge, jury, and executioner and determined his motives for him. In Brené’s words, you end up feeling certain, even if you aren’t accurate. That is a dangerous place to be, because you go on to treat the other person as though they were someone they might not actually be. But because we have already received the chemical reward for our detective work, it’s hard for anyone to convince us otherwise. Don’t forget that you aren’t the only one trying to win the war within. The people in your life might dislike their bad behavior as much as you do. A little patience goes a long way.

It’s definitely frustrating when you’re on the receiving end of that judgment, when someone seems set in his or her mind about why you did something even though you’re trying desperately to set the record straight.

Because of this cognitive bias toward certainty, I remember being hit super hard when I read the following language Brené recommends in the book: “The story I am writing in my head” is that you did ____________ because you ____________. If that is incorrect can you help clear it up for me? That lets the other person know how you see things and what your brain is trying to make of it, but it sets a soft tone because you haven’t yet committed your findings to granite. It gives both of you the chance to see things through each other’s eyes.

Using this language in our home has de-escalated so many situations that were increasing in intensity at a fast clip. Jennie and I frequently tell each other the stories our heads are writing and give each other the chance to explain if in fact there is more to the story than meets the eye. Speaking to our daughters in this way and encouraging them to talk to us like this not only defuses situations that otherwise would have continued to escalate but helps them not feel like they’re being attacked. The language gives room for the possibility that what you are bringing to their attention might not be the whole truth, and you are humbly asking them to shed light on how you see their actions.

Next time you are feeling flustered because someone said something rude and you want to kick the beehive and let loose a volley of statements so harsh it would make even the saltiest YouTube commenters wince, excuse yourself, draw up a matrix with the four quadrants, and recalculate your route. The more you do it the faster you will get at it, to the point where you can do it in your head in the time it takes to draw in a deep breath.

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