How to Kill Your Husband (and other handy household hints) by Kathy Lette

Author:Kathy Lette [Lette, Kathy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781760145514
Publisher: Penguin Random House Australia

‘Amateur’ just about summed up my feelings about my counsellor too. By the end of June I had enough advice to see me through several husbands. I also had a hunch that if I told my therapist I had suicidal feelings, she would have asked me to pay in advance. So far, she had talked me into buying a state-of-theart vibrator which was ‘totally realistic’. ‘Oh, so it cums, coughs, farts, goes limp then switches off?’ I asked bleakly. When I saw the size of the cheque Rory wrote her, I was tempted to insert her slide projector, pointer and maybe even a beanbag into an intensely private part of her own anatomy.

Next, she pressured me into buying testosterone patches to cure my ‘Desire Disorder.’

‘Testosterone?’ I looked at her in disbelief. ‘Oh yes. That’s bound to make me more attractive. To gay men!’

She also tried to book me in for Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation, a mere snip, literally, at £3,000. ‘A little labial trimming would give you a designer vagina. An Armani Punani would solve all of your sexual inhibitions,’ she purred.

The only inhibition I had now was Baggy Fanny Phobia. I could never again have sex with my husband for fear of losing him in that aircraft hangar between my legs.

Just when I felt that it was pretty well impossible for my counsellor to be able to counsel me into feeling any worse about myself, she decided that what I lacked was experimentation. I tried to develop kinks, I really did. I wore Rory’s underwear. I even went commando. But, believe me, as a mother of two with no pelvic floor, one must be cautious about not wearing any knickers. On one occasion, one of the Benwah balls Bianca had made me buy, fell out in a staff meeting. I had to pretend to be a player of miniature bowling.

When I complained, Bianca insisted on a one-on-one session during which she pursed her lips before crisply placing crosses in boxes on her questionnaire. ‘Do you like the lights on or the lights off?’ she grilled me.

‘I like to have the lights on,’ Bianca’s eyes lit up for a moment, until I added, ‘so I can read.’

‘Do you like S and M?’ she persevered, pen-wielding.

‘Certainly not! I don’t like to be beaten. Not even at Monopoly.’

‘Well, what about talking dirty?’ Bianca asked exasperatedly.

‘Talking dirty for me is “James, wash your face. Jenny, your room is a pigsty!”’

‘Do you talk in bed at all?’ she asked, in despair.

‘Oh yes – usually about whose turn it is to do the school run and when the plumber’s coming to repair the leaky loo.’

‘Well, do you have any questions for me?’ the therapist asked tetchily, smacking her clipboard down onto the table.

‘Well, yes, my most burning question is . . .’

‘Yes?’ Bianca leaned forward expectantly.

‘Can you use flavoured yoghurt for thrush or not? It’s all I’ve got in the fridge.’

Bianca was not amused. ‘You need to develop an erotic portfolio,’ she announced curtly. ‘I understand that you are not that comfortable with or good at oral sex.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.