How to be a Husband by Tim Dowling

Author:Tim Dowling [Dowling, Tim]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-01-22T05:00:00+00:00

11.

The Pros and Cons of Procreation

Being a father is a fairly standard adjunct to being a husband. It’s not mandatory, of course, but it’s considered churlish to refuse.

There are many different ways for a couple to broach the delicate conversation about starting a family, the most traditional of which, in my experience, begins with the woman saying, “I don’t believe this—I’m fucking pregnant.”

That only happened the first time, to be fair. In later years my wife would simply emerge from the loo and throw the positive pregnancy test at me. As magical as each of these moments were, it is my suggestion that you and your partner give serious consideration to the idea of having children intentionally, with an eye on a fixed total, not least because they cost £67,000 each just to feed and clothe. The ideal number is a very personal choice. I have three, so I know that for me, three is too many.

When you first discover you’re going to be a father, you will be giddy, but also filled with a sense that something terrifying and life-changing is about to happen to you. The present becomes tinged with an ominous hue, like the glow of a warehouse fire on the horizon. After a few weeks you will be struck by the sudden realization that the terrifying thing isn’t going to happen to you at all. It’s going to happen to someone else, and you are going to watch. It’s still going to be terrifying, but you should not say that out loud. In fact, the complete etiquette for male behavior in the first and second trimester can be boiled down to a list of things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman. They include, but are by no means limited to, the following:

“I know what you mean—my back is killing me.”

“I think I’m losing weight. Do I look thin to you?”

“Thanks for driving. I’m absolutely hammered.”

“Let’s face it—it’s not an illness, is it?”

“A hundred quid for a car seat? Are they high?”

Above all else the partners of pregnant women are expected to be supportive, “supportive” being one of those terms that has caused a whole generation of men to nod while furrowing their brows slightly, in a feeble attempt to impersonate comprehension. Once upon a time “supportive” could be understood to refer to financial and/or material support, and when someone spoke of your need to be supportive, they were basically hinting that now would be a really bad time for you to get fired.

Allow me, with all the benefit of my experience, to translate the woolly imperative “Be supportive” into a more man-friendly command: in the context of pregnancy, it means “Suck it up.” Repress any instinct to express needs or to share counterproductive emotions, for the duration.

You don’t want to spend a Saturday shopping for a crib fully six months in advance of having anything to put in it? Suck it up.

Don’t feel like going along to prenatal class? Suck it up. I was the

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