Heart Made Whole by Christa Black Gifford

Author:Christa Black Gifford
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2016-04-30T16:00:00+00:00

THE GUARDIAN HEART

“Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life.”

(Proverbs 4:23 NLT)

Like an armed guard stationed outside the door of your heart, your inner guardian has been given the task of protecting you, so it lives on high alert looking for enemies—especially if life has proven to have many of them. Its sole purpose is to keep you safe, so your guardian heart will do whatever it needs to accomplish this task. It believes more than anything that your pain must stay separated from your consciousness or you will be too overwhelmed to keep functioning.

As a child whose emotional heart had endured its fair share of rejection over the years, when I would get around a new group of people, my inner guardian had one goal—to avoid more trauma. To accomplish this task, it learned how to flow well with each new group dynamic, reducing my chances of being kicked to the curb. Around a cute guy, my guardian heart would rise up and become his best friend to avoid romantic rejection. Around a catty group of girls who thrived on drama, I would dig up gossip and betray innocent friends for their amusement. Around the most popular kids who partied with drugs and alcohol, I supplied the goods and led the fun. Around a teacher deciding grades, I was the front-row student who knew all the answers. Around a church leader who needed talent, I offered my skilled services to ensure admiration. Whatever was needed to stay accepted or avoid more pain, my guardian heart offered freely—even if it went against my core values.

Because this inner guardian believed it was the only one there to protect me, it developed a guerrilla warfare side that was always ready for a brutal fight. When I first got married in 2007, my poor husband didn’t have a clue what he had signed up for. There’s a reason that God wants you to put a covenant around your marriage relationship, because when someone gets uncomfortably close to all the dysfunction you’ve worked a lifetime to hide, really nasty behaviors have a tendency to surface like ugly pimples. My poor little emotional heart had been beaten like an abused animal over the years, and my inner guardian knew how to rise up, ready to bite anyone who got too close.

Most days as a newlywed, I secretly binged on football-player-size portions of food to numb old pain when Luke wasn’t looking. I hated myself and felt like a disgusting blob of matter for being unable to conquer my old eating disorder. So when this new husband would say normal things to his new bride, such as, “Babe, you are so beautiful,” the poor guy would find himself at war. I’d cite all the reasons why he was wrong, turn a cold shoulder, and behave like a monster in hopes of pushing him away—always trying to protect myself from more rejection. Subconsciously I despised who I was, fully aware of all

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