Godber Plays, 3 by John Godber

Author:John Godber
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2003-11-15T00:00:00+00:00

Act Two

A large Renoir painting fills the entire stage. Two Parisian chairs are placed upstage right. They are the only props used in Paris, and can fold away. The hanging light is no longer visible.

Can-can music plays as Bet and Al enter and sit on the chairs. They are tired from looking around. They do not take in the audience yet. The music stops.

Al I’m tired out. I mean, we’ve walked all over.

Bet Well, I told you we should have got the Métro.

Al I’m not getting no Métro.

Bet Why?

Al People get mugged on the Métro.

Bet They don’t.

Al People get mugged.

Bet They don’t.

Al They do.

Bet Millions of people use it every day …

Al Ar, and some of ’em get mugged.

Bet Bloody hell, you …

Al It’s bigger than I thought it would be …

Bet Ar, it’s bigger than your shed, int it?

Al Just about …

Bet What do you think to the hotel?

Al Not bad, and two toilets, that’s handy …

Bet It’s a bidet …

Al I know …

Bet And that champagne in our room was great, wasn’t it? I’ll take that home. (She takes in the audience.) We’re up by the Trocadéro, from here you can see the Eiffel Tower.

Al You can see the Eiffel Tower from anywhere.

Bet And the Seine.

Al Can’t move for kids. Are we going to have a bite? (He brings the chairs downstage right.)

Bet He doesn’t want to sit outside the café, so despite the soaring heat we go and sit inside the Café Trocadéro … We gaze up at the large menu on the wall …

Al And we settle near a posh French bloke who’s eating an omelette.

Bet Do you want an omelette?

They sit on two chairs, giving the impression that the restaurant is full. They are pleased at being in the restaurant.

Al The menu is all in French.

Bet What did you expect?

Al Well, I thought …

Bet Nice, int it?

Al It’s all rate, yeah.

Bet Ohhh, my feet. I’m ready for this. Ohhh.

Al You choose sommat for me, I can’t follow it.

Bet Let’s having sommat daring, shall we? Can you see what there is?

Al I can hardly see the wall.

Bet You need some new glasses, I’ve told you.

Al If you can’t tell what it says we can have a Big Mac.

Bet I read the menu and make out something about fish and steak. I think. It’ll be a laugh, we’ll have steak and fish. Int it nice?

Al What about an omelette?

Bet It doesn’t say omelette.

Al He’s got an omelette.

Bet Take your pick, fish or steak.

Al Is that all there is?

Bet You can have soup.

Al I’ll have steak. Well done, you never know what you’re eating. Where’s the loo?

Bet How do I know?

Al (whispering) I’ll try and find the loo. Hey, look at that – they’ve got a different menu to us. They’ve got a different menu to us! Crafty sods, I bet you can have omelette on that menu.

Bet Have steak now.

Al Crafty sods, one menu for them and one for the tourists. That’d never happen in England.

Bet Go to the toilet.

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