God, No! by Penn Jillette

Author:Penn Jillette
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2011-07-15T21:00:00+00:00

“YMCA”

—The Village People

Scuba Fucking

I wanted to be published in Reader’s Digest and Penthouse since I first jerked off to each of them (Penthouse, with all those letters, and Reader’s Digest, with “I Am Jane’s Breast” and “I Am Joe’s Man-gland”). It would have been cool if RD and PH printed the same article, but that’s too much to hope for. I didn’t want them to hire me or do a Penn & Teller story (I think they both did that anyway). I wanted to do it for real. I wanted to submit something like a citizen. Some “Humor in Uniform” for Reader’s Digest and some jack-off story for Penthouse. I’ve never been in uniform, but I have jacked off, so I sent something to Penthouse. I’ve told people that my letter got printed in Penthouse, but I don’t think I’ve ever really seen it in print and I can’t find it online; however, I found my letter on my computer. I remembered it having the line “I was in San Francisco working in a comedy/magic duo, I’ll call it Penn & Teller,” but as it turns out, that’s not in there.

I wrote this (and did the fucking underwater) way back in the days before Bullshit!, so I still thought I had to be a little careful about image. Since I’ve had my cock out on Penn & Teller: Bullshit! and written about going to a gay bathhouse, this seems pretty tame, but it’s still fun. I sure hope someone somewhere can masturbate to this. (If you can, let me know, because it would really be a dream come true. And if you’re in uniform when you rub one out, maybe we can sell that to Reader’s Digest together.) What follows is what I sent them.

And yes, it’s a true story.

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