From Binge to Blackout by Chris Volkmann

Author:Chris Volkmann
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 1429519088
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2006-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

TWENTY

CALLS FROM REHAB

ALCOHOL

Let her

fall in love with you and you

with her and then…something: alcohol,

a problem with alcohol, always alcohol—what you’ve really done

and to someone else, the one you meant to love from the start.

—Raymond Carver1

October 2003. Finally, after more than eight days, we receive our first phone call from Toren. He has survived the initial week of rehab, supposedly the toughest. I listen to his voice for the tone, his inflections, for any indication of his mood. He sounds thoughtful, focused. There is noise in the background because he must use a phone located where visitors are received, which extends for two hours on Sundays. A baby cries in the background. I picture people chatting and laughing amidst friends and relatives, while Toren is all alone. He speaks clearly. “I’m working on acceptance of the cost of my alcoholism. This week was intense.” He mentions quickly the haunting trio of anger, guilt, and shame. “I know now that I’m worse off than I thought. I’m trying to do whatever they say,” Toren confesses.

It must have been grueling. The person speaking doesn’t sound like the guy I talked to days ago. His voice is level, and he doesn’t seem discouraged when he admits, “I might have to leave South America for good.”

“That’s not what you wanted,” I suggest.

“The worst part is, I didn’t have closure with my village. I left without explaining things. That is so hard for me to deal with.”

“What will you do next,” I ask, “after rehab?”

“I can hardly think more than one day at a time. I just do today. But they’re saying I might consider living in a halfway house, that it’s what might be best.” He stops here.

“Well, what do you think about that?” I ask, recalling how a halfway house once reared its prefabricated siding in our former neighborhood. That’d been almost twenty years ago. And I’d joined with other neighbors to lobby against it (“I just don’t want my children associating with that type of person,” I’d justified). Then I’d signed a not-in-my-backyard! (NIMBY) letter. Now my kid is talking about going to some town to live in one. I immediately feel guilty but grateful to those citizens if they’ll give him this chance. I know Toren will be nice to his neighbors.

“I’m not enthused. It’s not appealing,” he says, “but I’m here to listen to what they tell me.” His voice has lost the early fervor of the call. It takes on a slightly forced tone, one of resignation, somewhat hopeless.

It took courage for Toren to turn himself in and admit he had a problem when he was so enamored with his life in South America. He’d had to give it up. I remember he’d said he wouldn’t have come forward if he’d known they would yank him out of his service. What if he’d died in Paraguay? Detoxing from alcohol is extremely dangerous and can even be fatal. Repeated untreated withdrawals (such as the self-detoxing Toren endured) have a cumulative effect and create more serious future withdrawals.

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