Fierce Marriage by Ryan Frederick

Author:Ryan Frederick
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Marriage;REL012050;REL012100;Religious aspects;Christianity
ISBN: 9781493412778
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2018-03-08T05:00:00+00:00

The Wisdom in When

Knowing when to communicate is vital to facilitating great conversation. Just as we must be intentional in listening and speaking, we also must be able to choose right timing. Certain topics tend to be loaded: finances, sex, in-laws, and daily chores are a few areas that cause tension for us. Maybe you agree? It’s taken Ryan and me years of arguments to finally realize that not all timing is created equal. A valuable proverb says,

A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—

and how good is a timely word! (Prov. 15:23 NIV)

The ESV translation says it like this: “a word in season, how good it is!” Just as some trees will not bear fruit out of season, certain conversations are unproductive at the wrong time. Having good timing cannot be overemphasized when dealing with sensitive or frustrating topics in marriage. As Ryan mentioned, you have direct access to each other’s hearts, and when your timing is off, you’re more likely to miss or misread signals and have your communication corrupted by your sinful natures.

We’ve discovered that good timing helps communication in two ways, each depending on the nature of the conversation to be had. First, it’s always a good time to repent and reconnect if you’re distant. If and when Ryan and I have a fight—big or small—we try our best to resolve it quickly and efficiently. Over the years we have become faster at fighting. This involves a ton of swallowing anger and pride, but it’s always worth the pain. God’s instruction to do this is for our own good. Small offenses left unresolved have a tendency to fester. Harboring bitterness and resentment is costly.

The second way good timing helps our communication is by ensuring we both have the space in our hearts, minds, and time to deal with heavier problems. We’ve found it immensely helpful to make “talk dates” with each other. Ryan has often said to me in the morning, “Can we talk tonight? I have something I need to talk to you about.” I’m always happy but slightly nervous to oblige. I’ll ask him, “What’s it about?” He usually gives me a rough idea—but not always. It depends on the topic. Either way, knowing that he has something on his heart he wants to share helps me prepare my own. We earmark the time (usually within twenty-four hours of one of us bringing something up) and I can approach it with the mental and emotional readiness needed to be fully engaged. This doesn’t guarantee an easier conversation, but it does promise to make it healthier. More importantly, knowing ahead of time gives me a chance to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts and guide our talk.

Life is busy, messy, and downright intense at times, so we won’t always have the perfect moment for perfectly clear communication. Faithful communication with God is irreplaceable for good communication in marriage. Spending time in Scripture (listening) and in prayer (talking) connects us to God.

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