Fear the Barfitron by M. D. Payne

Author:M. D. Payne [Payne, M. D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780698159952
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2013-08-14T16:00:00+00:00

We spent all night and the next day trying to figure out how to enter DO NOT ENTER.

Creating a diversion with fireworks in the front yard. Or holding a Jazzercise class. Or having a cooking class with garlic as the main ingredient. Finally, Shane came up with the best, but by far, craziest idea.

Friday afternoon we jumped on our bikes and powered up the road to Raven Hill. As we approached the retirement home, the flapping of our karate uniforms in the wind was the only sound that could be heard. When we arrived, not even the ravens seemed to be around.

The plan was simple. We would pose as elite karate masters and offer to teach all of the residents basic self-defense. The monsters would get worked up, and when the Nurses were distracted, everyone but Shane would slip out and make our way to the Staff Only section of the retirement home.

Elite karate masters we were not. We were three inexperienced dudes with karate uniforms following an elite karate master. And that master was crazy.

We parked our bikes.

“Let’s hurry this up so we can get to the park,” said Gordon.

“How can you think about that right now?” asked Ben, looking up at the retirement home with wide eyes. It looked like he was starting to believe me.

We walked up to the main entrance. The stairs had creaked terribly when I had gone up alone, but with four of us, the stairs groaned and shimmied. Dust started falling from where the handrails met the porch.

When we heard the creaking turn to cracking, we all rushed up to the porch just before the stairs crumbled into a heap.

“That’s a good sign,” joked Shane.

I brushed some dust off of his uniform and said, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to us today—”

Before I could say any more, the door opened wide, revealing a rather upset–looking Nurse. Well, more upset than normal, anyway. He eyed the pile of wood beneath the porch that used to be the stairs, and grunted.

“I must fix. Ugh!” he cried.

“WOW,” said Gordon. “That guy is HUGE. He should be a linebacker.”

The Nurse didn’t seem to get the compliment.

“INSIDE,” he barked.

We didn’t wait for him to ask twice.

After closing the door, he lumbered off to get the Director (and probably a hammer and a thousand nails).

“Let me do the talking,” I said, looking at Shane. “Once we get into the Great Room, you’re in charge. But not until then.”

“Got it,” said Shane.

Ben and Gordon were inspecting a vase of dead flowers.

“This reminds me of the haunted house they have on the other side of town during Halloween,” said Gordon. “Cooooool.”

“I dunno, Gordon; this seems pretty real,” said Ben.

Ben shuddered as he looked up at the painting of a withered old woman above the vase.

“I think she’s looking at me,” said Shane.

“Me too,” said Ben and Gordon at the same time.

“You’ll get used to that,” I said.

“Oh, I don’t think so, Mr. Taylor,” said the Director, as he entered the front of the house.

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