F*cking History by The Captain

Author:The Captain
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2020-08-10T16:00:00+00:00

LOOKIN’ GOOD, HONEY

Sometimes you don’t want to be the one who gets all the attention. Because not all attention is good attention. The pharaohs of ancient Egypt knew this, and you should too. You see, in order to direct undesired attention toward someone other than the royal majesty, pharaohs required servants to smear their own bodies in honey. And I’m not talking about a quick dab of honey behind the ear. Servants were practically forced to bathe in sticky-icky—like a latex bodysuit of bee puke. So what was the reasoning for the head-to-toe sugary rubdown? Well, it was so that flies and other bugs would land on the servants and not the pharaoh. Thus ensuring that the pharaoh always looked fly—instead of being covered in flies. Servants were made into literal flytraps.

Now, going back to what I said earlier about not all attention being good attention, this is perfectly exemplified in groups of friends at bars and clubs around the world. Think about it: When you’re out with your girlfriends, sometimes you just want to be left alone to have a good time. You don’t want the attention of hovering, drunk barflies (also known as “horny dudes”). But, like the pharaohs, cunning women have found a way to divert the bar bugs away from themselves and onto somebody else—usually one of their friends.

Allow me to illustrate an example using our friend Megan. For this story, we’ll say that Megan is the pharaoh of her girl squad. And like a pharaoh, she’s rather full of herself. But instead of glazing her friends in honey like a Christmas ham, Megan tells her friends certain outfits look really “cute,” even though it’s obvious Jenna and Stephanie are going to attract A LOT of undesired attention. So while her friends are getting swarmed by polo shirts with ill-fated pickup lines, Megan is free to relax in the corner—looking like fucking royalty among a sea of friends with bad fashion sense and horrible taste in men. Well played, Megan . . . kind of fucked up, but still well played.

Cool, now you have a sweet Egyptian honey fact to share on your next coffee date so that you can appear more interesting. (Even though you’re likely fresh off a nine-day Netflix bender and have completely forgotten how to participate in society.)

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