Don't Make Me Choose Between You and My Shoes

Author:Cash, Dixie [Cash, Dixie]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Humorous, United States, Humor & Satire, Contemporary, Literature & Fiction
ISBN: 0060829745
Publisher: HarperCollins e-books
Published: 2008-07-08T07:00:00+00:00

Debbie Sue, along with her two friends, listened to a short, rotund speaker wearing shiny black pants. “This microphone is designed to convert minute vibrations to voice-band audio that can be received by headphones or secondary measurement equipment.” He held up an item no bigger than a pack of cigarettes for all to see.

Apparently satisfied his audience had a clear view of his product, he continued, “The Ear-Millennium Edition—or as we call it, the Ear—far surpasses any listening device on the market. Place it against the wall, put in the earphones and you’re in business. If desired, a recording device or speakers can be plugged in. To the innocent bystander, you might appear to be listening to your iPod.” He laughed as if he had said something funny.

The memory of an incident she and Edwina referred to as “a total FUBAR” popped up in Debbie Sue’s mind.

A Salt Lick resident, J. W. Jones, had been convinced his wife, Trixie, was having an affair with Stony Curtis, a local truck driver who also happened to be J. W.’s best friend. J. W. hired the Equalizers to follow Trixie and report their findings.

Indeed, they discovered Trixie entering and exiting Stony’s home on several occasions. The ear-to-the-wall technique, or huddling outside the subject’s front door, revealed a conversation that Debbie Sue and Edwina agreed was particularly telling. Stony had clearly asked Trixie if she would like to take it doggie style.

What the Equalizers discovered too late was that Trixie had been looking to purchase a motorcycle Stony had for sale. She intended to give it to J. W. on his fortieth birthday. What Stony had really asked was if Trixie would “like to take the hog for a ride.” Unfortunately for all involved, the Domestic Equalizers’ listening technique had been a dismal failure.

Luckily, in the end J. W. was so relieved that his wife was faithful, that he hadn’t lost his drinking buddy Stony and that he was now the owner of a new motorcycle, he dropped the whole matter and didn’t take the Equalizers to task. But the debacle would forever haunt them.

Debbie Sue wrote the name of the state-of-the-art listening device on her notepad. Gotta have this, she wrote beneath the name, followed by several exclamation points. Beneath that she drew a circle, put a big dollar sign inside and drew a line through it. The shopping escapade had been more expensive than she had planned. Leaning toward Edwina she whispered, “Let’s go to the exhibitors’ room. I’d like to look at this up close.”

“Good idea,” Edwina whispered back. “I was just thinking about the time when we really could have used that.”

“Yeah, I know, I already thought of it. M.S.U.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, major screw up.” Edwina eased out of her chair and followed Debbie Sue from the hall.

They had barely walked six feet when they heard Celina call their names. “Debbie Sue, Edwina, where are y’all off to?” She was struggling with some literature in her hands and her purse strap was falling from her shoulder.

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