Don't Go to Bed Angry by Deb DeArmond

Author:Deb DeArmond
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Abingdon Press
Published: 2016-05-02T00:00:00+00:00

These aren’t optional suggestions; the scriptures are strongly worded: “Don’t do” and “No one should.” It’s clear that manipulation does not reflect our new birth in Christ and is unacceptable for us as believers—and as husband and wife. We’ll continue to discuss this topic as we move through the chapter.

Perhaps you are the one who must deal with your spouse’s use of one or more of these approaches. Or maybe you are the mate who doles it out. We’ll begin by reviewing the strategies to help move both of you to a healthier place. This will allow us to look through the lens of solution as we learn about each trap.

If your spouse engages in any (or many) of these communication traps, you are left to deal with the behavior and the potential damage to the relationship it brings. Let’s talk about how to handle the traps effectively.

DEALing with the Traps

We will use the four letters of DEAL as a way to remember a proactive approach as you work to free yourself (and your loved one) from one of these traps.

D—Don’t take the bait.

E—Explain the impact of the behavior and express your expectations.

A—Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue.

L—Let go of the need to manage your mate’s behavior. Manage your own.

We’ll review each element in detail for those who must deal with their loved one’s use of the communication traps. Let’s start at the top of the list.

Don’t Take the Bait

The goal of manipulation is to hook the other party into doing something that serves one’s own purpose, regardless of the impact on the other person. When the bait is dangled on that hook, the goal is to get you to bite, to react in the moment. So whether your mate doles out silence or volume, sarcasm or vindictiveness, your objective is to respond, not react. What’s the difference? A response is a thoughtful, purposeful reply, considered and chosen according to your faith and your relationship with your spouse and God. A reaction is an in-the-moment reply based more on emotions such as anger, hurt, or pride. Think of it as the quick-draw retort that you (and the Lord) will regret the moment it leaves your lips.

A reaction is similar to running downhill. You start quickly, pick up momentum, and soon you’re unable to manage the speed of the descent. You lose control and are subject to finish the journey however gravity defines. And you may land in a heap with some scrapes and bruising as your reward. A response requires more effort; it’s the hike up the hill. It’s slow, measured, and provides the opportunity to maintain your balance while continuing the progress to the top. From that vantage point, the big picture is in full view.

Considering how you choose to reply is useful because it may reveal ways you give your partner attention when he or she indulges in one of the communication traps. A reaction is one step closer to taking the bait, which you want to avoid.

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