Dead Sexy by Kathy Lette

Author:Kathy Lette
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2004-12-14T16:00:00+00:00

The Differences Between the Sexes: How to Impress

How to impress a woman: tenderness, caressing, talking, devotion, trust, truth, togetherness

How to impress a man:

a) turn up naked

b) bring a naked double-jointed supermodel who owns a brewery and has an open-minded twin sister

c) wrestle in mud

12 Declaration of War

Shelly wasn’t sure how she looked dressed as a Love Slave in fishnet tights, a leather bustier and a zebra skin genital thong, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t safe and predictable.

If Kit was shocked by Shelly’s Sex Goddess transmogrification, he certainly didn’t show it. The man didn’t even blink when he caught sight of her in the poolside cabana hammock curled up with the entertainment officer. To her disappointment, Kit said nothing, just cocked his head, as though listening to the rock ’n’ roll seeping out from the Fancy Dress Ball inside La Caravelle. The music had been so loud it had made Shelly’s vital organs do cartwheels (one should always be suspicious of music which sounds better drunk than sober). But here, in the cabana, the cacophony of people dressed as Teletubbies and Tina Turner, singing “Love Me Do” and dancing the “swim” and the “hitchhiker” in silly, satirical ways had been thankfully drowned out by the racket of the tropical storm.

“You do realize Dominic’s only usin’ you to get his ugly mug on TV,” Kit finally called out. The flaming torches around the cabana sputtered in the fierce wind, as if indignant on Shelly’s behalf.

Dominic flared his Gallic nostrils. “Pardon, monsieur. Our friendship eez best described by the great essayist Montaigne. ‘Because I was I and she was she.’ And now, as a seal of authenticity, I must give you what ze English poet Keats calls slippery blisses,” he said, brushing Shelly ever so lightly on the lips. Shelly immediately shivered, whereupon Dominic shed his leather jacket and tucked it around her.

“You see?” Shelly snuggled into the jacket. “This is what lovers do. They give you their coats when you’re cold,” she lectured Kit as he approached. “They quote poetry. They woo you. They are suave and charming and thoughtful and intellectual. The opposite of you. You, Kinkade, are just an animal.”

“Hey, the animal kingdom is an improvement on the vegetable kingdom,” Kit said, staring pointedly at the entertainment officer. “Listen, Love Slave”—he reached under the jacket and tugged on Shelly’s thong—“I need to talk to you, privately.”

“Need? Well, I have needs too. Which are being met, thank you very much, for the first time since I bloody well got married.” She turned her back on Kit and nestled into Dominic.

“Well, thank God I arrived in time to save you from havin’ a whole range of hideous bacterial organisms introduced into your reproductive system.” Kit rolled Shelly back to face him—and not gently either. “When Dominic says that he’s a liberated male, fully aware of women’s intellectual, sexual, emotional and economic oppression, and totally embarrassed by his fellow Male Supremacist Chauvinists—that’s just a long-winded Frog way of sayin’, ‘How ’bout

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