Breaking Free by Kay Toon

Author:Kay Toon [Ainscough Carolyn and Toon Kay]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781847094667
Publisher: SPCK

Overcoming the problems

You may find yourself becoming less negative about sex as you work your way through this book and begin to feel less guilty and ashamed about what has happened. Try to keep in mind that it isn’t sex that’s painful and frightening, but being sexually abused – your body was assaulted and your feelings were disregarded. A consensual adult sexual relationship can result in pleasurable sexual feelings, and sexual experiences alone, or with a partner, can be loving and enjoyable.

As I begin to love myself and my body I have also discovered that to have sex with someone I love deeply is the highest expression of joy, a celebration of being alive. My hunger for knowledge about my own body and that of my partner is insatiable. A whole new world is opening up for me. Now a kiss can move the earth and a touch takes away all gravity and makes me feel as if I can fly. Ingrid

Sexual problems cannot be dealt with in isolation. They are closely bound up with a person’s physical and emotional state of health, relationship with their partner, feelings of self-worth, body image, sexual knowledge and the ideas they have about what sex should and should not involve.

PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH

When people are anxious and depressed, they often lose their interest and enjoyment in sex. If you are feeling distressed, it may be better to work through some of the other chapters in this book or seek help with your emotional problems before tackling your sexual problems directly. It is difficult to enjoy sex if you are depressed, anxious, angry or tense. Give yourself time to feel better emotionally before dealing with this area.

The same applies to physical health. Physical injury, illness, poor health or tiredness can all lead to disinterest in, or aversion to, sex. Taking certain medication can also affect your interest in sex. Wait until you are feeling more physically healthy before tackling your sexual difficulties.

RELATIONSHIPS

Sexual problems are often associated with tension, anger, misunderstanding and lack of communication between partners. There is little hope of having a good sexual relationship with a partner if your relationship in general is not very good. It may be that you are angry with your partner for something he or she has done or not done. Maybe you feel hurt, neglected or just bored. This needs to be dealt with first before you can deal with the sexual problems. Talking about how you are feeling with your partner instead of bottling up bad feelings is a useful start. Confidence-building or assertion training can help with this.

Change becomes possible once you start to communicate more openly. You may have chosen a partner that you do not feel sexually attracted to because he or she seemed ‘safe’ and undemanding, or because you accepted the first person who wanted you. You may feel so indebted to your partner just for being with you that you feel you need to pay him or her back with sex.

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