American Freak Show: The Completely Fabricated Stories of Our New National Treasures by Willie Geist

Author:Willie Geist
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Humor, Social Science, Political, Popular Culture, Celebrities, General, Topic, Political Science
ISBN: 9781401323943
Publisher: Hyperion Books
Published: 2010-10-12T05:17:27+00:00

Chapter 10

Oprah Is God

Since the very beginning of human history, scientists, philosophers, scholars, clerics, and just guys sitting around in bars have debated the existence of God. Now, a group of prominent American theologians has rocked the religious world with a new study that, they say, proves a higher power exists. So who, or what, is God and how can the authors of this potentially earth-shaking new research be so sure? They make their case in the latest edition of the quarterly academic journal Harvard Theological Review.

HARVARD THEOLOGICAL REVIEW

Harvard Divinity School

Cambridge, Massachusetts

“GOD IS OPRAH, OPRAH IS GOD”

Nearly a decade ago, a group of us were sitting around the faculty lounge at the Harvard Divinity School smoking clove cigarettes, drinking brandy, and talking about how frustratingly dumb most people are when a spirited argument broke out over the existence of God. We vowed that night, inside the walls of a smoke-filled room in Cambridge, that together we would author the definitive study on the subject. We also ended up taking some mescaline and playing a dangerous Tantric sex game with the folks in the Sanskrit and Indian Studies Department, but that is not germane to this report.

No matter how long it took us, we decided we would leave our mark as the mere mortals who answered humanity’s oldest supernatural question: Is there a God? Today, after nine years of exhaustive research, we are proud and humbled to say that we have the answer.

God has been described over the course of human history as an intangible overseer of the universe. According to our findings, that characterization is only half true. God is omnipotent, but not intangible. In fact, God is a being of flesh and blood. God walks among us. God, you might be surprised to learn, has a talk show.

This study makes two important conclusions: 1) Yes, there is a God, and 2) God is Oprah Winfrey. Said another way, Oprah is God. Can you believe it?! Just let that wash over you for a moment. Oprah Winfrey is God. Shocking at first, but then kind of starts to make sense, right?

Oprah Winfrey has been a visible public figure for only the last 25 years, but our research shows She has been present for, and decisive in, everything that has ever happened in the history of the world. From the Big Bang to the Great War to every Miss Universe Pageant, Oprah’s hand has been there pulling the strings and setting history on its course.

Trust me, we’ve heard all the old smug jokes about Oprah being “God,” but this is not a joke. This is science. We have volumes of evidence that prove our case (the full report, as well as a variety of official Oprah Is God merchandise, can be found at our new flash website www.OprahIsGod.com, accessible for the low introductory price of $29.95/month).

So how did we get here? Our academic curiosity was piqued long ago by Oprah’s peculiar power to influence human wants, needs, and purchasing habits. We

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