All the Discworld's a Stage by Briggs Stephen;Pratchett Terry;

Author:Briggs, Stephen;Pratchett, Terry;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Oberon Books

SCENE SEVENTEEN

Another part of the forest. RINCEWIND, TWOFLOWER, HERRENA & GANCIA run on.

HERRENA: That was close!! Where’s that old man and the girl?

HENCHMAN (GANCIA.): Dunno. They must’ve legged it when we ran out of that cave…erm mouth. Unless they got eaten by that trunk – like Weems…

HERRENA: Shut up! You two – wait here!

She exits. GANCIA stays close by.

TWOFLOWER: (To RINCEWIND.) Where is he?

RINCEWIND: He’s gone barmy.

TWOFLOWER: That’s Cohen the Barbarian you’re talking about! He is the greatest warrior that —

RINCEWIND: Was. All that stuff with the warrior priests and man-eating zombies was years ago. All he’s got now is memories and so many scars you could play noughts-and-crosses on him.

TWOFLOWER: He is rather more elderly than I imagined, yes…

RINCEWIND: They’ll probably be better off without us anyway.

TWOFLOWER: Are you sure?

RINCEWIND: Positive.

TWOFLOWER: (Looking up.) It’s got bigger overnight. Why isn’t anybody doing something?

RINCEWIND: Such as what?

TWOFLOWER: Couldn’t somebody tell Great A’Tuin to avoid it? Sort of go around it?

RINCEWIND: That sort of thing has been tried before. Wizards tried to tune in to Great A’Tuin’s mind.

The wizards had trained up on tortoises and giant sea turtles first, to get the hang of the chelonian frame of mind, but although they knew that Great A’Tuin’s mind would be big they hadn’t realised that it would be so slow.

All they’ve found out so far is that Great A’Tuin is looking forward to something.

HERRENA returns.

HERRENA: I can’t imagine why you’re so important. You’re wanted dead or alive, I’m not really bothered which.

TWOFLOWER: Yes, why us? It’s to do with that star, isn’t it?

RINCEWIND: I don’t know anything about the star!

TWOFLOWER: I expect everything will turn out all right in the end.

RINCEWIND: Do you really believe that? I mean, really? If you think the total disruption of my life for the last year is satisfactory then you might be right. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve nearly been killed —

TWOFLOWER: Twenty-seven. I worked it out. But you never actually have. Been killed. Doesn’t that seem a bit suspicious? I think the Spell is keeping you alive.

A robed figure enters. GANCIA steps forward.

HERRENA: Shut up you two! (To the robed figure.) Who are you?

GANCIA moves towards him…he suddenly punches GANCIA and rabbit punches him as he goes down. The robed figure (COHEN) starts to remove the robe and to draw his sword. He moves to HERRENA as RINCEWIND and TWOFLOWER move out of the way. A quick clash of blades and HERRENA drops her sword. COHEN squares up to HERRENA and they circle. He raises his sword for a huge blow, but groans and freezes. HERRENA pauses, then reaches for her sword.

TWOFLOWER: His back’s gone again! What can we do?

HERRENA: Well, I don’t know who you are or why you’re here, and there’s nothing personal about this, you understand.

She raises her sword but at that point BETHAN enters quickly and knocks her out (with a frying pan or similar). She crosses to COHEN, puts her knee in his back and, with an amusing sound effect, straightens him up.

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