All My Fault: The True Story of a Sadistic Father and a Little Girl Left Destroyed by Audrey Delaney

Author:Audrey Delaney [Delaney, Audrey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, General, Personal Memoirs, Child Abuse, Family & Relationships, Abuse
ISBN: 9781446406458
Google: wNnUhj0AqkcC
Amazon: B004GKMUOY
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2011-01-05T14:00:00+00:00

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I decided to leave Burgerland when I was still 16. After listening to all the students there going on about their studies, I realised they had a future and I didn’t. I loved working there and part of me hated leaving but I knew I had to do something with my life.

I enrolled in a full-time IT course with Anco on the Jamestown Road in Finglas. Computers were just getting popular around that time. I learned word processing, electronics and programming. It was all very new to me though and to be honest I hadn’t a clue about what I was doing. I sat in on the electronics class all right but most of it went over my head. I loved the word processing though.

That course was one of the best things I ever did and it certainly stood to me in the future. You got a small training fee for attending too—it wasn’t a full wage but it was enough to get by on. I used the money to go on and do an evening typing class. I put a lot of effort into the typing and bought myself a heavy steel typewriter to practise on in the evenings. So during the week I focused on my studies and at the weekends I let my hair down and went mad.

I was still trying to block out memories of the abuse but the more I did this the more emotional and angry I got. When I wasn’t practising for my course, I was out of my head on drugs.

I thought that I had managed to put all the abuse behind me and I was now a normal, functioning young adult who had taken charge of her life. The demons were never too far away, though, and my mask would slip when I least expected it.

One of my supervisors in the course asked me several times if I was all right, or if I needed to talk. I had no idea why he was asking me this. Was he referring to the way I sometimes cried in front of people in the class? Or did he notice how out of it I sometimes was? I always had a made-up story at hand to justify my tears. But then more questions were asked and cracks would begin to appear in my story. The supervisor was genuinely concerned. But I didn’t even know what was wrong with me myself, so how could I tell him.

I was just trying to lose myself in my relationships so that I wouldn’t have to face up to my own problems.

By now I had pushed everything that happened with Da so far to the back of my mind that it was like I no longer had a past. I had blanked it all out. I still had the empty feeling I could never explain but drink and drugs solved that one for me. So long as I had a constant supply of both, I could function.

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