A War of Loves by David Bennett

Author:David Bennett
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2018-09-30T16:00:00+00:00

GIVING GOD MY HOMOSEXUALITY

One day, not long after the event at Librairie Kleber, I sat on my bed yet again. “God,” I cried out loud once more, “I have a body. Where do you expect me to find the intimacy you created me for? I thought it was not good for man to be alone. Lord, I need an answer.”

David, his quiet voice whispered, my church is meant to be that body to you.

“Really?” I was skeptical. “I haven’t been able to find a church where that kind of intimacy is even possible. I need a partner.”

What came next was as clear as it was odd. I’m sending you a birthday present.

My birthday was just a few days away. When the day came, I just about ran to check the mail. Sure enough, there was a small parcel from Joshua, my friend who’d invited me to hear Don Carson. Even though he had entirely forgotten about my birthday, his package just happened to arrive on it.

I tore it open. It was a book. “Washed and Waiting,” I read, “by Wesley Hill.” It was a reflection on homosexuality and Christian faithfulness.

Joshua had scrawled on a little note, “A friend recommended this, and I thought it would bless you.”

I devoured the book, astonished by how closely Hill’s story mirrored mine. Both joy and pain filled my heart as I read. He had resolved to call himself a celibate gay (or SSA) Christian. Even if Hill was raised as a Christian, unlike myself, I’d never heard of someone doing this before, but it fit so naturally with what I’d just experienced after hearing Brazda. Hill’s words reflected my own theological intuitions and my identity as a Christian as well as the reality of being a man attracted to men. The way he put Jesus Christ at the center of his life inspired me.

Hours passed, and I flew through the pages. When I finally put the book down, a storm was brewing outside. I listened to the first water droplets hit the roof, accompanied by a dramatic thunderclap. I thought again of Paul’s words in Romans 12: “I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship” (v. 1). And another verse from Paul, this one in 1 Corinthians 6: “All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body” (v. 18).

I knew beyond doubt that God was asking me to do what I had never thought I could: give him my homosexuality and choose celibacy. It was that simple. It was also that hard.

From a sort of loving, desperate surrender, I prayed. “Lord,” I whispered, “you died on the cross for me. You gave me your body. How could I not give you my body in return? How could I hold back my sexuality, let alone my money, my plans, my affections, my whole self? Anything less wouldn’t be true worship.

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