When You Love Too Much by Stephen Arterburn

Author:Stephen Arterburn [Arterburn, Stephen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Relationship addiction—Religious aspects—Christianity, Sex addiction—Religious aspects—Christianity
ISBN: 9781441265869
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2004-12-29T08:00:00+00:00

The Way Out

Children from a sick home have a weak foundation on which to build their lives. It is as though they hit a roadblock in their development and never move beyond it. They arrive at adulthood with an immature and irresponsible character that sets them up for difficult relationships. They see others through the lens of their own pain and distorted self-image. They feel ashamed about their past and about the unhealthy behaviors they are presently using to cope with it. Life is burdensome, difficult. They feel they are all alone in facing their problems.

In a desperate effort to escape the pain, such people often run from God, too. Overwhelmed by trying to make it on their own, they resist allowing a higher power to help them. Childhood lessons about God are dismissed along with everything else as unreliable and possibly dangerous. The harder life becomes, the more resentful they grow toward a God who, it seems clear, “has it in for them.” Their belief that God is angry at them increases their anger at the rest of the world.

Whether it is the intoxication of romance, dependency on relationships or the compulsion to have sex, people who are “addicted to love” have certain common denominators. Prominent among these is invariably a childhood marked by abuse, neglect, abandonment and unhealthy role models.

The only way out for those people who grew up in a dysfunctional family is to learn to take personal responsibility for who they are and what they will become. True, they experienced great trauma early on, but the “poor me, blame everyone” response must stop. True, they were victims in the objective sense of the word, but they must now learn to reject self-identification as a “victim”—to stop seeing themselves that way and to stop relating to others in that role. They can choose to stop playing the victim. If they do not, the result will only be continued misery and victimization of others.

The process of recovery is different for romance, relationship and sex addicts, not only because the three addictions are different, but also because each individual is unique. Still, as there are common denominators among the problems, there are also common denominators among the recovery processes.

People who suffer from these addictions must reach a determination to uncover the source of their problem and deal with it. They must resolve to live life as a mature adult, taking appropriate responsibility for their choices and the consequences of those choices. Ultimately, they need to replace their unhealthy dependency on other people with surrender to the will of God.

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