The Power of Letting Go by Pam Vredevelt

Author:Pam Vredevelt [Vredevelt, Pam]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-56291-3
Publisher: The Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2005-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

RATs can generate anger, and, as in John's case, so can physical pain. Whatever the stimulus, anger is an emotion that indicates that something is wrong and needs attention. Typically we learn to deal with it by observing those around us. During childhood we watch parents and siblings respond to situations and then mimic their behavior, trying our hand at influencing our environment and learning what works and what doesn't.

One of John's first recollections of an angry outburst was when he was about ten years old. He had been lying in bed, trying” to go to sleep. His older sisters were still up, watching TV in the living room, laughing and talking very loudly. The noise was keeping him awake. He called out several times for them to be quiet, but they ignored him. Finally, when he couldn't take it anymore, hegot out of bed and yelled at them. After that they were quiet. He learned that raising” his voice got him what he wanted.

John's family outwardly expressed their emotions. They laughed loudly and talked passionately,-they were exuberant over joys and emphatic about things that bothered them. As the third of five children, John witnessed the different anger styles of his older and younger siblings. Two of them tended to be compliant peacemakers who hid their anger. The other two were overtly aggressive. His parents also tended to be open with their conflicts and sometimes argued within hearing range of the children. Raised voices were common in his home.

My family modeled other ways of handling anger. As the oldest of three children, I didn't have any older siblings who stirred up conflicts with me. My brother and sister were four and six years behind me, so sibling rivalry really wasn't much of an issue. And I can't remember ever hearing my parents fight. That doesn't mean they didn't have their problems; it just means that we didn't know about them. They kept their conflicts private and tended to handle them quietly. They rarely raised their voices. As a result of this kind of home environment, I tend to hold in my feelings instead of letting them out. If I'm going to err in mismanaging my anger, it's going to be more internal than external. In the early years of our marriage I had to work very hard at not stuffing my anger.

In our counseling offices, John and I talk to many people who hide their anger because they think they are doing themselves and others a favor. But when we hold our anger in, hoping that it will just go away, we run the risk of creating other problems for ourselves. Stuffing anger doesn't get rid of it. It simply reroutes it. if bottled up, it will find an avenue of escape in our bodies. Psychosomatic disorders such as high blood pressure, headaches, lower-back pain, fatigue, and stomach problems can be the result of repressed anger.

Holding in our anger can injure our bodies, and it can also damage our relationships by keeping us from working through conflicts and getting beyond them.

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