The M Word by Bad Christian

Author:Bad Christian [Christian, Bad]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781483543604
Published: 2014-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Lexi:

“I was 11-years-old the first time I looked at pornography. My body was doing things I didn’t completely understand, and I was curious about how my sexuality was changing. Instead of approaching a parent or sibling, I turned to the Internet. I liked what I saw. I had been masturbating for years (I didn’t realize that’s what it was until then), and pornography made it even better.

Within a matter of days, I was looking at it any chance I got. Being far more tech-savvy than my parents, it was an easy addiction to hide. This continued for years. The extreme shame and guilt over my addiction kept me from admitting my problem to anyone. I felt like a freak for struggling with something that was supposed to be a ‘guy’ problem. No one could possibly understand what it was like as a girl.

For the majority of my teenage years, my spiritual walk was completely stagnant. I felt entirely unworthy of even praying to God and asking for forgiveness when I knew the next day I would be knee-deep in the same sin all over again. I didn’t think God could still love me when all I did was keep messing up. I didn’t want to look at pornography anymore, but I was in so deep I had no idea how to stop or how to even ask for help.

Finally, at the age of 18, I got up the courage to tell one of my youth leaders at church. I knew he had struggled with a variety of addictions before he became a believer, so I felt like he would understand better than anyone. He didn’t pressure me to tell my parents right then, but a few months later he made me sit down with them. I was completely terrified. Their response wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. They made promises to put filters on the computer and such, but in the end nothing happened and we never talked about it again. I felt like I had done my part in reaching out for help, but no one did anything to actually help me.

I went off to college the next year and had finally had enough. I told a friend of mine so she could help keep me accountable, and I swore off pornography. By the strength and grace of God, I actually went over 3 years without it.

Then out of nowhere one day the temptation came back in full force. I had been doing so well that I was completely unprepared (Side note: do not EVER let your guard down or get comfortable. Satan will use that against you every time). I gave into that temptation and the rollercoaster started again. For the past 3 years, pornography and masturbation have been a daily battle. Some days are more successful than others. I have told more people along the way, and God has been graciously teaching me about my worth in Him, and how to rely on his strength to fight sin.

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