The Divorce from Hell: Margie Majors: Middle-Aged Vampire Slayer by DeWylde Saranna

Author:DeWylde, Saranna
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-948001-18-2
Publisher: Corvus Corax
Published: 2021-06-18T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eight

The next day dawned bright and absolutely fucked up.

Our alarm clock was the unearthly howl of one vampire standard-sized poodle who’d managed to get a hold of what I’m sure was Presley’s thong.

At least from the way she was caterwauling on the sidewalk in front of our house at said vampire poodle.

I was bleary-eyed and still half asleep when Vlad dragged us from the bed. I wasn’t sure if he was telling on Mina, or Presley, or both.

Brooke wrapped herself in a red, be-feathered, I-Killed-My-Husband-Robe and marabou slippers, of course, looking perfect. Me, I managed to barely pull on my jeans and stumble out of the house with my bare feet.

“This is a bridge too far,” Cornflake wailed.

Mina was cheerfully chewing on said pair of knickers. She had the whole thing in her mouth like a wad of chaw and slobber dribbled down the sides of muzzle. She looked possessed to be honest.

“Mina!” Brooke cried, sounding rather scandalized.

Mina continued to enjoy her treat.

Vlad tried to get in on the fun, but found himself soundly rebuffed, but he didn’t take it personally. No, instead, Vlad cocked his big, square pit bull head, and seemingly shrugged and trotted toward Presley.

Oh god, no!

I thought I’d cured him of his amorous intentions toward Cornflake. In the years we’d been her neighbor, my sweet vampire pit bull had amorous intentions toward mostly inanimate objects. Except for when it came to Presley Dunderman.

If he was left to his own devices for too long, meaning I didn’t take him for a walk where he could hump everything in sight at least three times a day, he started thinking Presley was it for him. I mostly indulged his whims, because it hurt nothing if he glazed a garden gnome’s face, but a person? Not cool.

I darted after him to grab his collar, but he was faster than I was this day.

Presley was ready for him, however, and she neatly sidestepped him and he fell into another neighbor’s garden where he landed on top of a plastic flamingo that became the recipient of his attentions.

We still had to deal with the Mina underwear problem.

“Brooke, a little help?”

“I have zero help to give you. She’s so happy. If you could hear her thoughts right now, she’s in heaven. Especially since Vlad was mid-bone when she snatched them from him.”

Presley put her hand over her face and sighed. “These dogs and my bits. I don’t understand it. I just don’t.”

In that moment, I felt awful for her. “I’m so sorry, Cornflake.”

“I know they can’t help it. I know you can’t help it. But really?”

“Pres, they’re really happy. I mean, if you could hear Mina’s thoughts… this is better for her than her subscription box,” Brooke said encouragingly.

“Glad I could bring her some joy?” Her cheeks were on fire.

Other neighbors had come outside to watch the melee, and I had a rush of sympathy for Presley.

“No one has to know that it’s your thong. I’ll tell them it’s mine. Go back inside.

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