Talking Back by Jennifer Roush

Author:Jennifer Roush [Roush, Jennifer]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2013-09-17T22:00:00+00:00

WHAT I’d Like to be

I know the previous post was harsh. I would apologize, but it is the authentic reaction to reading those pages in my mother’s journal. In those pages were far more things than my miscarriage. There were sad things and good things, touching things. Things that remind me how much like my mother I am, in a good way.

One of those things I interjected into the last post, because I didn’t want the whole thing to be so terrible, and the other thing is a secret so terrible that my mother never even understood it. Because I read so many pages in one sitting, instead of discovering it with me, I’m going to split it out into two more posts. The first post, this one, is about who my mother wanted to be. The second post, which you can read (if you are reading electronically) here, is about big bad dark secrets.

Sat July 15

…I’m reading a book about how to get yourself from where you are to where you want to be.

What I’d like to be:

A creative person who uses her creativity and life experiences to create a safe, fun place for people to learn—to empower people to transform their lives…

Some more synchronicity for you: I am reading a similar book. I’m not sure to which book my mother is referring here, but I’m reading one of mom’s books called Something More: Excavating the Authentic Self by Sarah Ban Breathnach. This book is what actually convinced me to write the last post. I didn’t want to, even though that was what was pressing into me as something I needed to do. But I read two parts of the book: the first, about the choices we don’t make, which are choices (of course) we do make (or, in the immortal words of Rush, “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice”); the second, about how, for some reason, we glean more from other people’s suffering and rebound than we do from just reading about the (jealousy-provoking) good stuff.

So there’s a heap of bad stuff for you in the previous post. Salacious, even.

But this post. . .

This post is about wanting for myself what my mother wanted for her. I actually broke out in goosebumps when I read my mother’s words. This is, in fact, what I want to do with my life and who I want to be. Word for word. I want to use my creativity and my life experiences to create a safe, fun place for people to learn, to empower people to transform their lives. Mom and I would join SARK and others in this endeavor. I went so far as to inquire how to start up a communal farm for domestic violence survivors to teach them basic life skills and more complex skills at their leisure, somewhere where they would be safe from men while they healed (because battered women tend to be codependent, they usually need some time away from men).

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