Steppenwolf (Penguin Modern Classics) by Hermann Hesse

Author:Hermann Hesse [Hesse, Hermann]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9780141938684
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2012-04-04T16:00:00+00:00

In that short period between getting to know Maria and the day of the grand masked ball I was positively happy, yet I never felt that I had found some kind of ultimate bliss or salvation. Instead, I had a very clear sense that all this was merely a prologue and preparation. There was a strong forward impulse to everything, but the real thing was still to come.

By now I had learned enough in my dancing lessons to feel that it would be feasible for me to attend the ball, which was being talked about more and more with every day that went by. Hermione’s costume remained a secret. She was absolutely determined not to tell me what she would be going as. I was not to worry, she said. I would recognize her, and failing that she would help me out, but I was not allowed to know anything in advance. Nor, for this reason, was she the least bit curious about what I was planning to wear, so I decided not to dress up at all. Maria, when I wanted to invite her to the ball, explained that she already had a partner for the occasion. And since she did indeed have a ticket already, I realized to my disappointment that I would have to attend the ball on my own. The most exclusive of all the city’s masked balls, it was put on annually in the Globe Rooms by the Society of Artists.

I saw little of Hermione during this time, but on the eve of the ball she visited me to collect the ticket that I had ordered for her. Sitting peacefully in my room, she began a – to my mind – strange conversation that made a profound impression on me.

‘You are really well now, in fact. Dancing suits you. Anyone seeing you for the first time in four weeks would scarcely know you.’

‘True,’ I conceded. ‘I’ve not been this well for years. It’s all your doing, Hermione.’

‘Oh really? Not your lovely Maria’s?’

‘No. She was your gift to me as well, as you know. She’s wonderful.’

‘She’s the lover you needed, Steppenwolf, good-looking, young, cheerful, very good in bed and not always available. If you didn’t have to share her with others, if she were ever more than just a fleeting guest, things wouldn’t be as good.’

It was true. I had to concede that she was right about that too.

‘You’ve got everything you need now, then?’

‘No, Hermione, that’s not the case. What I have is something very beautiful, something that delights me, brings me great joy and welcome comfort. I am positively happy …’

‘There you are, then! What more can you want?’

‘I do want something more. I’m not content to be happy, that’s not what I’m cut out to be, not what fate intended for me. I’m destined to be the very opposite.’

‘To be unhappy, you mean? Well, you had more than your fair share of unhappiness that time when you couldn’t bring yourself to go home for fear of the razor waiting there.

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