Raising Worry-Free Girls by Sissy MEd Goff

Author:Sissy MEd Goff
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Christian Living/Parenting;Parenting—­Religious aspects—­Christianity;Daughters;Anxiety;Anxiety—­Religious aspects—Christianity;REL012030;FAM034000;PSY036000
ISBN: 9781493421862
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2019-07-28T16:00:00+00:00

The Worry Monster’s Tricks for You

I’ve already mentioned how her reassurance seeking is one of the biggest tricks of your Worry Monster. You can easily fall into the trap of trying to reassure her catastrophic and exaggerated thinking. But reassurance always needs more reassurance. The mouse needs more cookies. She gets louder and often angrier. And then we have another problem on our hands.

Allowing Bad Behavior

In therapeutic circles, anger is considered a secondary emotion because there is often another emotion lying underneath the anger. Anxiety is often the primary emotion that leads to anger for girls. And boys, too, by the way. Younger girls, in particular, often don’t have the understanding or words to describe what they’re feeling. So when parents of toddler-age girls come to my office to talk about anger they’re seeing in their girl, many times we end up talking about anxiety.

Anger comes out differently for every child. Whether they explode or implode, are wired for worry or struggle with negativity, or have experienced trauma, all children who worry a lot seek comfort and certainty. They don’t feel much of either inside of themselves. They cling to safety, which often includes you. They ask what-if questions and can become demanding if the answers don’t take away their intensifying anxiety. They want to know their schedule for the entire day when it hasn’t even started yet. They avoid new things and new people and do their best to avoid whatever makes them most anxious. For many, their anxiety comes out with you more than with anyone else, because you are the safest thing in their lives. Your daughter can cry the entire way to school, and then pull it together in front of her teacher. She can keep her worries in check in front of her friends, but then she gets in the car with you and falls apart. Because you are safe, you get the brunt of the safety- and security-seeking behavior.

Anxious kids are overly focused on their own emotions and their own needs. Out of that awareness, they can get demanding, particularly of you.

If your daughter’s worries and demands come out in the form of anger, she still needs discipline. In every parenting seminar my colleagues and I teach, we talk about how boundaries create security in kids. She will feel safer when she knows she’s not the most powerful person in the room. Boundaries also build confidence. If she’s allowed to get away with being the worst version of herself, she eventually becomes who she believes she is.

You can start with a warning: “I know you’re angry, but you’re not allowed to talk to me that way.” Or, “I can tell that’s your worry talking, but I want you to breathe for a minute and try to say that again more respectfully.” Give her a warning first, as she may not know she sounds angry or disrespectful in the moment. Then give her consequences if she doesn’t rein it in. If her anger goes unchecked at home, it will eventually spill over into school and friendships and future relationships.

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