Please, Daddy, No: A Boy Betrayed by Stuart Howarth

Author:Stuart Howarth [Howarth, Stuart]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Family & Relationships, Abuse, General, Biography & Autobiography, Personal Memoirs
ISBN: 9780007279975
Google: vbSSmAwwrnMC
Amazon: B003ATPQTI
Publisher: Harper Element
Published: 2008-09-03T14:00:00+00:00

I started a relationship with Lorraine from the hospital, who worked as a play specialist for sick children. Her family were very warm and welcoming, but I had trouble believing I was really part of it. They were such a lovely, family and I desperately wanted a family of my own. I still had all the same problems with insecurity and jealousy and I took more and more coke to keep my confidence up, to give me the buzz I needed. I’d taken to gambling as well, because it provided yet another way to change the way I felt in the short term. I started to get into debt on my credit card. Eventually I drove Lorraine and me apart. I always left people first because I was afraid they would leave me and I didn’t know how I would handle it. Lorraine never did anything wrong, any more than Angela did, and there was nothing wrong with the relationship, beyond the fact that I was sick.

Mum had moved out of Platting Grove by this time and ran her own pub up in Oldham, although I still had keys to the place and Mum often asked me to check the house to make sure everything was OK. I sometimes used to go there to cry or to be alone. Whenever I wasn’t distracting myself and altering my mood by artificial means like drink, drugs, body-building or gambling, my depression was growing worse. I wanted somebody to look after me, to put their arms around me and tell me everything was going to be OK, but if anyone had tried I would probably have pushed them away. There seemed no point in going on, so I parked my car in the garage at Platting Grove, shut the door, fed a hosepipe from the exhaust in through the window and settled down with pictures of Shirley and my kids. I turned on the engine and waited to die. Within a few minutes I was asleep.

I was shocked to wake up the next morning and find I was still alive. The engine was still running but the hosepipe had fallen out of the window. I switched the engine off and climbed groggily out of the car. Opening the garage door I was dazzled by the sunlight outside. It was a beautiful warm day and I was still there to enjoy it. I actually felt happy to be alive. I wondered if Shirley was trying to tell me something; maybe it just wasn’t time for me to go yet. I even wondered if perhaps I was dead and this was what it felt like.

I made up with Lorraine and tried once more to get on with my life. We went up to Scotland for the New Year’s celebrations with a couple of friends, but I drank too much and the rage that was always suppressed below the surface, never allowed to escape, never resolved, exploded uncontrollably. I ended up smashing our hotel room to pieces in a miserable, furious rampage.

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