Our Mothers, Ourselves by Henry Cloud

Author:Henry Cloud
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2015-06-01T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Nine

Getting Real

It was a moment of change for Cliff and one that I (Dr. Cloud), as an onlooker, will never forget. Cliff’s gaze was directed at the floor; in his shame, he was unable to look at the group members. As Cliff’s therapist, I already knew about his struggle, and I waited now for him to tell the others.

He kept his eyes down, but he finally began to talk. “I don’t know how to say this, but there is something I need to confess,” he said. “I am addicted to pornography.”

I watched the group. They were motionless and quiet.

“I know this is not what you expected of me,” he continued, “and I feel awful about it, but I had to tell someone.” He began to cry, and he slumped down further in his seat as he continued to tell his story.

I looked around the room at all of the compassionate and caring faces. A few group members even had tears in their eyes. His confession of his longtime struggle, of his inability to break his habit, of the way he felt afterward, was drawing them closer to him, and I could feel a strong sense of empathy in the room.

But Cliff could neither sense their empathy or compassion nor see it, for he was looking down, caught up in his own guilt and shame. I decided that since the group’s care was what he needed, I would intervene. “Cliff,” I said, “I want you to look up.”

“I can’t,” he said. “I can’t.” His shame was overwhelming. He strongly resisted looking at the others, but I kept after him, knowing that he would only find compassion if he did. Slowly he raised his head and checked out the group members one by one. His eyes moved from person to person, and I watched a transformation take place inside of him. He became more connected as he could see their compassion and lack of condemnation.

He began to cry, but it was a different kind of cry. He was truly letting go, releasing all of the pain and shame that had been bothering him for so long.

As he slowly stopped weeping, I sensed that he had come out of prison. As a pastor, Cliff’s sexual acting out was particularly difficult for him to admit and talk about; he had held it in for a long time. What had happened here was that all of the parts he had felt so bad about were accepted by the others. The power of isolation was broken. And he had discovered something else that was crucial to his future: He did not have to be perfect to be loved.

This was a totally new experience for Cliff. All of his life he had worked hard to be perfect in order to gain the love he needed. As we saw in the past chapter, those with Trophy Moms have a split inside their personalities. The “good self” on the outside tries to live up to the requirements of

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.