Nein, Nein, Nein!: One Man's Tale of Depression, Psychic Torment, and a Bus Tour of the Holocaust by Jerry Stahl

Author:Jerry Stahl [Stahl, Jerry]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781636140254
Google: m-OKzgEACAAJ
Publisher: Akashic Books
Published: 2022-07-05T20:47:05+00:00

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

Is it too much to ask the cosmos to not let you fuck up a child that you are responsible for?

Even if you’re separated by half a world from the little one you’re talking to, they sense everything. They know, even if they don’t know they do. Like tiny, two-legged nuance detectors. If, say, you’re dripping with self-hate, but trying with all the strength in your tainted soul to cover up, some neuro-tendrils they don’t have names for will absorb it; will be, God forbid, mutated by it. And then it’s too late. You’ve been Larkined.

This is the new pattern with my little girl: me asking endless questions because conversation with a three-year-old can be more arduous than Paris climate talks. If more fun. But silence, on the phone, is just unendurable.

How quickly, I wonder, for no more than the thousandth time, did the complexities of guilt, betrayal, and all the rest of life’s inherent torments just dissipate for Auschwitz inmates in the face of their new reality: never-ending pain, humiliation, and imminent death? And for the thousand-and-first time, I know that it would be presumptuous, in all the most hideous ways, to even pretend to know the answer.

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