Marriage Rebranded by Tyler Ward

Author:Tyler Ward [Ward, Tyler]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-8024-9074-2
Publisher: Moody Publishers
Published: 2014-01-10T05:00:00+00:00

1. The Leaving Stage: Creating a New Reality

British novelist and fellow Inklings member Charles Williams calls this early stage of marriage “a mutual invasion, where both selves are broken down so they can be transformed by the love they both receive.”10 Emile Durkheim, the father of modern sociology, suggests similarly that this stage is “a dramatic act, in which two strangers come together and match differing definitions of reality.”11

Most people associate this stage of “leaving” with the departure from one’s family of origin in order to begin a new family. This is certainly part of the leaving stage, but only the beginning.

The initial stage of marriage—that can last up to fourteen years—is entirely about learning how to merge two separate realities to create a new one, both internally and externally.12 And this means more than changing last names and zip codes. Throughout these years, every aspect of each individual’s reality will be reevaluated.

There’s no question that this is the most unnatural and challenging stage of becoming one. The forming of a new reality means letting go of our former one—whether we want to or not. This process requires both parties developing the maturity over time to negotiate a reality that both are excited to live in.

Even on a basic biological level, it takes the brain ten to fifteen years to change its previously developed neurological tracks or patterns of thinking.13 This process, called neuroplasticity, helps explain why the first few years of becoming one can feel incredibly unnatural. Sadly, many of those who choose to divorce in this stage don’t actually give themselves a chance to experience the real payoff in marriage.

This season of leaving requires that we learn—through trial and error—how to communicate with one another and channel the long-forgotten virtue of patience.14 However, such patience is not without payoff. In the midst of this wrestling into a new reality, we are given a beautiful hope: if we stay loyal to the everyday choices to love our spouse, we can create a culture, a new reality, in our marriages where the wild benefits of true love do exist.

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