Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive by Kristin Neff

Author:Kristin Neff [Neff, Kristin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780062991058
Google: MlP1DwAAQBAJ
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2021-06-15T04:00:00+00:00

WISDOM

The wisdom of common humanity allows us to see the complex conditions that lead to success or failure, so we can learn from our mistakes. We all know that failure is our best teacher. As Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found ten thousand ways that won’t work.” We understand that there’s more information of value in getting it wrong than in getting it right.

So why are we so upset when we get it wrong? It’s because we unconsciously believe that we shouldn’t fail, and that there’s something wrong with us when we do. We get so overwhelmed by the feelings of shame and self-blame that go along with failure that we can’t see clearly, which inhibits our ability to grow.

Research shows that self-compassionate people are wiser and better able to learn from the situations they find themselves in. When confronted with a problem, they’re more likely to consider all relevant information and less likely to get so upset that they can’t come up with solutions. Self-compassionate people are also more likely to see failures as learning opportunities rather than dead-ends. They have less fear of failure, and when they do fail, they’re less disabled by the experience and more likely to try again. Self-compassion helps us focus on what we can glean from failure instead of fixating on what it might say about our worth as a person. We don’t define ourselves by our setbacks. Instead, we see their potential to provide us with the information needed to succeed.

Of course, sometimes the wisest course of action is to move on from a particular goal if we’ve tried our best and it’s just not happening. If you’ve been trying to make your living as a stand-up comedian for years and your jokes are still met with deafening silence, it might be time to shift gears and try something different. A study in Japan asked people to think about an important but unattained goal they held within the last five years. Not only did individuals with greater self-compassion prove to be less upset by the disappointing outcome, they were more likely to let go of that specific objective and aim elsewhere. Self-compassion gives us greater perspective, so that we can identify the best use of our time and effort.

It’s helpful here to distinguish between harsh judgment and discriminating wisdom. Harsh judgment involves a narrow, rigid labeling of ourselves as “good” or “bad.” Discriminating wisdom identifies what’s working and what isn’t, what’s healthy or harmful, but does so in full knowledge of the complex, dynamic factors influencing the situation. We can still judge our performances or achievements as good or bad without taking things personally. Just because I failed in this last go-around doesn’t mean that I’m destined to fail again or that I am somehow “a failure.” By framing our experience in the larger context of what it means to be human, we gain the insight needed to learn and grow.

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