Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud;John Townsend

Author:Henry Cloud;John Townsend
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Relationships, Faith, Religious Aspects, Psychology, Conversation, Family & Relationships, Interpersonal Conflict, Christian Life, Conflict Management, Conversation - Religious Aspects - Christianity, General, Religion, Interpersonal Relations, Conflict Resolution, Self-Help, Interpersonal Conflict - Religious Aspects - Christianity, Personal Growth, Christianity, Conflict Management - Religious Aspects - Christianity
ISBN: 9780310221524
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2003-09-16T17:00:00+00:00

This sense of “my life is up to me” is founded in God’s concern that we take responsibility for our lives. He wants us to use our talents in productive ways, as Jesus discussed in the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14–30). And this sense of responsibility will follow us all through our adult lives—and even beyond the grave, at the judgment seat of Christ.

You can imagine how well not taking ownership over our lives will come across to the Lord then: “But I had a dysfunctional family.” “But I was lonely.” “But I didn’t have much energy.” The rationalizing “buts” will have as much impact as the excuses of the servant in the parable of the talents did. This isn’t to say that we aren’t deeply influenced for better or worse by our backgrounds and our various stressors. We certainly are. But we are ultimately responsible for what we do with our injured, immature souls.

Wise parents allow their children to undergo “safe suffering.” “Safe suffering” means allowing a child to experience age-appropriate consequences. Allowing a six-year-old to go outside after dark isn’t training her for adulthood. She is making decisions that she doesn’t have the maturity to make. She shouldn’t be placed in a position of making these choices in the first place.

Pat’s parents allowed their daughter to experience safe suffering. At the start of senior high, they gave Pat an entire semester’s allowance. Pat was responsible for paying for her school meals, clothing, social outings, and extracurricular activities. The amount was enough for this and a little more. On the surface it looked like a teenager’s dream—all this money and no restrictions on how she spent it!

The first semester Pat bought some beautiful outfits. She went out to lots of functions with her friends. And she even treated them several times. That lasted for about one month out of the three and a half. The next two and a half months were lean ones. Pat stayed home a lot, saving her remaining money for school lunches, and she wore her new outfits over and over again.

The next semester was better—and by the beginning of her sophomore year, she had established a bank account and a workable budget. Pat was developing boundaries. Normally a budding shopping addict, she began saying no to clothes, CDs, food, and magazines that normally would have been a minimum requirement for her. She began learning to take responsibility for her own life. And she didn’t end up like many college graduates who, after years of having someone else bail them out, can’t cook, clean, or keep a checkbook balanced.

It’s important to tie consequences as closely to the actions of the child as possible. This best replicates real life.

Homework projects are another area in which parents can either help the child take on responsibility—or create the illusion of the eternal, omnipresent parent who will always take up the slack. It’s difficult when your child comes to you tearfully, saying, “I have a ten-page report due tomorrow—and I just started.

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