Belonging and Becoming by Mark Scandrette

Author:Mark Scandrette [Scandrette, Mark]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: InterVarsity Press
Published: 2016-04-14T04:00:00+00:00

Which of these skills do you find more difficult to practice?

What triggers you or where do you feel particularly vulnerable in your relationships?

What can you remember and affirm the next time you’re triggered that will help keep you from losing it? What’s the inner work you can do to tap into God’s infinite love?

HELPING KIDS WORK THROUGH CONFLICT

In the urgency of the moment, while guiding or correcting a child, it’s easy to speak harshly, make snap decisions or bring false accusations. In the face of an adult who is angry or behaving poorly, a child will often assume they are responsible for their parent’s negative emotions—and internalize that unintended message. One of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is apologize to your child when you make a mistake, and ask for forgiveness.

In our family we’ve often needed to apologize to our kids, saying something like “It’s important for me to guide and correct you, but how I just spoke to you was wrong. It came from anger and impatience. Will you forgive me?” When you apologize to your kids, you show real strength and create a space of healing and reconciliation that they can trust and emulate. Is there a time when your words or actions have wounded your child that you haven’t yet acknowledged or asked forgiveness for? If so, take action. It’s never too late to admit when you were wrong and make repairs.

As a parent, you will also want to come alongside your kids to help them learn to manage ruptures that occur with their siblings, friends or you. Sibling relationships contribute significantly to family culture. At their best, brothers and sisters provide support and encouragement to one another as lifelong allies. Still, conflicts between siblings are common and, when left unresolved, can threaten the health of their relationship and a family culture of love and respect. Teaching children to navigate conflict takes work. It may be tempting to silence the squabbling, judge the situation or prescribe a solution. But if you take the time to facilitate and teach conflict resolution skills, you’ll be equipping them for a lifetime of peacemaking in all of their relationships.

When our kids were in grade school, we had lots of opportunities to help them practice making repairs. Noah and Isaiah shared a room. Being people with distinctly different personalities, this often led to conflict. One preferred quiet, and the other liked to play more boisterously. One was curious about his brother’s belongings, and the other was private with his possessions. One would become annoyed, and the other would become hurt by the other’s forceful assertion of boundaries. Some days the tension continued to build until it reached a pitch that included yelling, tears and physical exchanges—and we would need to step in.

One of us would call them together to (1) stop and talk then ask them to (2) listen to each other share their account of events. Since each person would get a chance to talk, we asked them not to interrupt one another.

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