7 Secrets to an Awesome Marriage by Kim Kimberling PhD

Author:Kim Kimberling, PhD
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2015-06-01T04:00:00+00:00

What about taking the time-out into your marriage?

Use it just like a coach uses it. Take the time to settle things down, assess the situation, and make adjustments that will ensure a successful outcome.

I suggested the time-out to Charles and Donna and gave them some parameters in how to effectively use it.

First, I told them, just like in sports, the timing of when to use the time-out is important. If you use it simply to stop an escalating fight but do not address the problem, it is wasted. The problem will likely come back with a vengeance.

Second, either spouse has the right to call time-out if they feel things are getting out of hand. The other needs to always honor the time-out.

And third, whoever first called the time-out is responsible for leading the conflict resolution. This means setting the length of the time-out (no more than twenty-four hours) and the place where they would reconvene. During the time-out, both are to spend time problem solving. This means taking time to pray and to think through the steps necessary to resolve the issue when coming back together. The time-out allows a couple to cool down, regroup, and come back together with a new perspective and the goal of solving the problem together.

Donna and Charles bought into the time-out completely. Partly because they were desperate to stop the bleeding and partly because it gave them some hope that even after fifteen years of turbulence, things just might be different.

Would the time-out help your marriage? Could you agree to the same simple steps that Donna and Charles agreed to? The time-out is meant to be a game-changer for a marriage. It was for Donna and Charles, and it can be for you. Let it help you stop the destructive pattern, take time to regroup, and come back with a new focus and purpose.

Preempt Fighting by Connecting

With most couples, the issues that are presented in session one are drastically different from the issues we deal with in later sessions. Often couples just do not want to lay out all the dirty laundry on day one. They may be cautious and need to gain some sense of trust in me. I get that and am completely on board with it. If a couple does not build trust in me, I cannot even begin to help them. Other couples simply are not aware of all the issues that are causing them problems. It takes some time to peel things back and look below the surface.

Whatever the reason, most relationships, especially those that have been unhealthy a long time, are not quickly fixed. It is a process to help a couple work through that which had been stalling growth. When Donna and Charles came to me, the depth of their problems was not readily apparent. Continued counseling eventually revealed a myriad of hidden issues. Their marriage was like walking through a minefield made up of the repercussions of earlier decisions. No wonder they were stressed! Yet as I got to know them better, I saw stress in almost every aspect of their lives.

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