Yesterday I was Pregnant: What I Wish I'd Known About Miscarriage Before it Happened to Me. by Vanessa Bailey

Author:Vanessa Bailey
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Loss, Grieving, Infant Loss, Pregnancy Loss
Publisher: Vanessa Bailey
Published: 2017-11-01T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eight: Lingering Emotional Turmoil

As you may have gathered by now, or maybe experienced yourself, the physical process of a miscarriage is ugly; both figuratively and in real time. It is tiresome and gruesome and seemingly unwarranted. Why should your body, which was trying so hard to create a beautiful little human being, have to endure such a continual mess of nonsense after already surviving the initial trauma that had occurred in the first place? That said, and greatly considering what’s already known, the physical process of a miscarriage is pale in comparison to the emotional one. That of itself, given the description I’ve just shared of how my miscarriage progressed physically, should provide a pretty clear picture of just how unbearable the emotional process of a miscarriage is.

It’s the little, unexpected occurrences that seem to create the most pain in the emotional aftermath of a miscarriage. The first one hit me like a ton of bricks not long after the miscarriage had begun. I had excitedly signed up for weekly reminder emails throughout the pregnancy; detailing what to expect, symptoms you could be experiencing, what changes might be happening, etc. as the pregnancy progressed. They came every Sunday. The week after the complete miscarriage had happened, I heard my phone ding – signifying an email had arrived – and absentmindedly picked it up and began reading. A wave of nausea and sudden grief came over me all at once as I read “You’re thirteen weeks pregnant. This week will bring...”.

I was appalled. The nerve of sending me this email. I quickly realized that to not get those emails for the remaining would have been twenty-seven weeks of my pregnancy, I needed to unsubscribe. As much as I wanted to not endure what I knew the next several moments would bring emotionally, I conjured up the nerve to do it because I knew the alternative was to feel this mini grief wave every week for the next twenty-seven weeks until this “would have been” pregnancy came to fruition on paper. I clicked the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of the email which took me to my account on the website. I am subscribed to several different email threads through the website, for my other children and just parenthood in general. I found the one that signified this pregnancy and clicked the “stop getting these emails” link. Naturally, it led to a page that asked me what the reason for unsubscribing was. There, amidst the other usual suspects, was my reason. “This pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s one thing to endure it. It’s quite another to see it in writing. To have to click the box that so blazingly shouts in six words what a lifetime of happiness could not fix. To subscribe to a “label” of someone who has had a miscarriage. To know what it feels like to be one of those. To feel the weight of what clicking that option means; in your heart, soul and body.

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