What It Feels Like for a Girl by Paris Lees

Author:Paris Lees [Lees, Paris]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780141993072
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2021-05-27T05:00:00+00:00

Mad World

Why would Mammar Joe try an’ poison me? I can’t stop thinkin’ about it. I went to the doctor’s but he don’t believe me. Maybe he’s in on it too? I know, I know. I’m bein’ ridiculous. He sez there’s nowt to worry about so I guess I’ll just have to wait an’ see, won’t I? He don’t think I’ve gorra heroin addiction, though. He just looked at me gone out when I sez that, like I were mental or summat. He probably just thinks I’m an attention-seeker. Everyone else does.

Smanfa cried when she saw me. I sez, “Don’t start, I’m menna be the attention-seeker – even Doctor Finchley sez so. It’s an official diagnosis now.” I don’t look that bad. But she seemed genuinely upset. Fuckin’ idiot. She were wi’ Nicola coz they hang out all the time now, they’re even goin’ on holiday together next month. I’ve not bin invited. So that’s nice for ’em, innit? They can go on about how bad drugs are, an’ how fuckin’ superior they are for not takin’ ’em. Smanfa sez I look really ill. No shit Sherlock! Sez I look dead skinny. I don’t think it’s as bad as what she’s makin’ out, but it is pretty bad, if I’m honest. I’ve got spots all over ma face an’ ma skin’s grey. I’ve got massive dark circles that makeup only seems to make worse an’ ma eyebrow bar fell out last night. I were on the futon at Mammar Joe’s watchin’ Who Wants to be a Millionaire? an’ I just felt summat drop into ma soup. The skin’s wore so thin it just split open. I’m literally rottin’ away.

Ma lips are cracked no matter how much water I drink or how much Vaseline I put on ’em. The thing that’s most scared me though is summat Smanfa din’t even see. After she left I looked in the bathroom mirror, an’ the back of ma throat were black. Not grey. Not green. Not brown. Black. I look dead. I thought I were hallucinatin’ at first, but I weren’t. All this black phlegm an’ bruised tissue. I cun’ even show Mammar Joe. She’s dead worried about me too, but I feel quite distant from ’er, actually. I know she’s on ma side really, but I’ve just not felt right round ’er since the other day. Yeah, I know, why on earth would Mammar Joe poison me? I know I’m goin’ mad. But I’m just not sure I can trust ’er one hundred per cent. Smanfa looked at me like I worra ’eadcase when I told ’er that, but ya can never trust anyone completely, can ya? Look at Harold Shipman.

I know I’m bein’ ridiculous. I hope I am, anyway. Coz Mammar Joe’s the only person I’ve always felt I could trust. She wun’t hurt a fly. Mammar Joe’s the sorta person who’d go hungry to let ya have ’er last bit of food. Me an’ Lady Die turned up unannounced once an’

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