What Are You Waiting For? by Kristen Moeller

Author:Kristen Moeller [Moeller, Kristen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cleis Press
Published: 2013-10-21T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter 9:

Unwrap Your Own Gifts

The true profession of man is to find his way to himself.

—HERMANN HESSE

Before the fire reduced my old life to smoldering piles—despite my many years as a therapist, coach, and guide—I still secretly believed I needed to do more, be more, and achieve more. Even while I implored my clients to be gentle with themselves, I still had a serious case of “not enoughness,” which led to driven-ness in my work.

Even after all I had accomplished, on some deep level, it wasn’t enough. Master’s degree, yeah, that’s good and all, but, well, my school wasn’t the best… Published author, well, OK, but I should be a New York Times bestseller… Broken through my fears of being on stage in front of hundreds of people, done many great speaking gigs, but why do my hands still sweat? Why is it still so hard?

Blah blah and more blah! The level of acceptance I had was light years away from the deep self-destruction of my early days, yet I still wanted to prove something and get somewhere. The lie that drove me was that an elusive place of arrival would give me the freedom I craved. One day I would get “there” and whoever was keeping score would award my prize for goodness and I could finally stop trying so hard.

Ironically, in the midst of yet another soul-awakening, I got the offer to write this book. A niggling thought surfaced from the reservoirs of my mind. How could I be writing a book on waiting when I was once again questioning my path? The fire stirred embers of questions in many areas of my life—but none perhaps as much as the area of my career. Even though I loved my work, the biggest part of my “letting go of attachments” declaration was directed at the area of career and purpose. It seemed I so quickly moved from loving what I do into trying to prove something, and craving success—which inevitably led to burnout.

So, while not having it all figured out (also known as “in the process of having pretty much no idea what’s going on”!), what is a writer and an author coach to do? Well, we must say “Yes.” As I offered up this Yes, I knew it was a Yes to the challenge. Yes to letting go of the past. Yes to reinvention. Yes to the future. Yes to the unknown. Yes to the missed deadlines and severe self-doubt. Yes to the moments of pure clarity. All these yeses would be part of my opportunity to write these words from a new place without driven-ness, a place from my passion. I would be finding my purpose again, as I found my words to write. I would have something to focus on other than my grief, yet I would be able to bring my grief into my writing in order to tell my true story. I was stretching and growing, again.

Any time we stretch ourselves, we may feel like puking much of the time.

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