Wait, What?: And Life's Other Essential Questions by James E. Ryan

Author:James E. Ryan [Ryan, James E.]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub, mobi
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2017-04-04T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FOUR

How Can I Help?

Luckily for all of us, many people are interested in helping others; some devote their careers and lives to it. Not everyone is so inclined, of course, and most people are self-interested at least some of the time. An evolutionary biologist or psychologist might say that we are always self-interested, and that our effort to help others is simply our attempt to feel good about ourselves. Regardless of our motivations, however, a remarkable number of us help out our colleagues, family, friends, and even strangers.

Although admirable, there is a risk in helping others, which is related to the possibility that helping can actually be selfish. That risk lies in falling prey to what some call “the savior complex.” This is just what it sounds like—an attitude or stance toward the world where you believe you are the expert who can swoop in to save others. It is a lopsided approach to helping, in which the helper believes she has all of the answers, knows just what to do, and that the person or group in need has been waiting for a savior to come along.

While this is a genuine problem, we should not let the real pitfalls of the savior complex extinguish one of the most humane instincts there is—the instinct to lend a hand. The trick is to help others without believing yourself to be, or acting like you are, their savior.

All of which is to say that how you help matters just as much as that you do help, which is why it is essential to begin by asking, “How can I help?” If you start with this question, you are asking, with humility, for direction. You are recognizing that others are experts in their own lives, and you are affording them the opportunity to remain in charge, even if you are providing some help.

I recently heard a great story on The Moth, which underscored the importance of asking how you can help. The Moth is a radio program and podcast that features true stories, told live by people from around the world. The stories are riveting, including a recent one from a woman in her eighties, who explained how she valued her independence. She loved the fact that she had always taken care of herself and that she could still do so into her eighth decade. And then she had a stroke.

While she was in the hospital, her neighbors in her New York City apartment building made some minor renovations to her apartment to make it easier for her to live there with a walker, which she would need after her stroke. At first she was taken aback, as she was cordial but not good friends with her neighbors. But their gesture of goodwill inspired her to recognize that some dependence on others could actually enrich her life, especially if she reciprocated. So she hung a sign on her apartment door welcoming her neighbors to come in for a chat. She then recounted

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