The Waning by Christina Bergling

Author:Christina Bergling [Bergling, Christina]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
Tags: Gay & Lesbian
ISBN: 9781628279887
Publisher: Bad Day Books, an imprint of Assent Publishing
Published: 2015-07-05T22:00:00+00:00

13

The creak of the door and the invasion of the light at Your entrance was a welcomed break from the turmoil in my mind, the seething sea of memories and laments. I didn’t want to be relieved to see You. I didn’t want to feel anything but fear or disgust. Yet something else was growing up beneath those stock emotions, something deeper and more subversive.

I pulled myself up onto the balls of my feet, feeling the bars beneath the thin blanket. I poised my hands under me, squatting at the ready to crawl out to You. You knelt down beside my cage and took the lock in Your hand. You hesitated before releasing the latch, peered in through the bars at me. Your eyes were so piercing and unreadable. I felt them pierce through my own, burrowing into the back of my skull. Eye contact with you caused a physiological reaction in me; I felt my heart seize while my breathing fell quick and shallow. It felt like panic.

I don’t know what I saw in Your eyes. I don’t know what You were looking for in me. As usual, Your face was largely sedate and neutral, yet there was a flickering behind those eyes. We stared at each other for a breath, two; then the click of the lock roused us again.

You opened the cage door for me as You stood. I crawled out immediately, as I knew You wanted. I gathered my weak and unstable limbs underneath me before slowly ascending with my head low. It felt awkward to rise above the floor, to abandon the concrete I could feel radiating its cold into my cage at all times. I rose slowly, gradually, unsteady before standing and waiting, always looking down. I studied the gradient in the gray and the map of the cracks of the concrete floor and listened to Your breathing. Composed and controlled, gentle and natural.

This was not going to be a punishment like last time.

This was going to be something else. This was going to be my first true lesson.

Maybe it was excitement in Your eyes, something animating Your calm exterior. Your movements were deliberate but enlivened. I could barely hear Your footsteps drag along the floor as You picked them up lightly.

Your gloved hands gently took my wrists and guided me forward. I wanted to look up into Your face, explore it for more information, try to glean what it was You wanted from me. I was too scared, too intimidated. Every time my eyes threatened to venture up, the stinging sensation of having my face ground into that soiled blanket slapped through my nerves.

Like a dog flinching from the master who kicks him.

Another couple of steps forward across the small space, the concrete spreading beneath my bare feet. I pursed my lips and strove to keep my breathing level. I didn’t want to reveal my pounding heart or my fluttering nerves.

Do what he wants. Just do what he wants.

I repeated it through my mind until it became my mantra.

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