The Supervillain Handbook by King Oblivion

Author:King Oblivion [Oblivion, King]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781620872505
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2012-08-15T04:00:00+00:00

Why you Should Talk

Because it is our way. We are villains. We monologue. So if you’ve got hang-ups when it comes to public speaking, you may want to go into something more suited to your talents, like becoming a human doormat.

Training Exercise 3: Breath Control

With all the talking we villains do, it’s pretty necessary that you learn how to master your lungs. Like an opera singer, a supervillain pours music out of his or her mouth. But our music doesn’t have a tune or rhythm or anything like that. Instead, it’s mostly just talking about crushing people’s spirits and finally getting our vengeance and lingering for a really long time on the word “WOOOOOOORRRRRLD.”

But other than those minor differences, it’s just like opera.

And not unlike some great tenor or soprano, it’s imperative that you are able to hold out your notes (or, in our case, threats) for what seems like minutes at a time. Try the following exercise to get to the point where you can monologue and monologue and no one notices that you even ever breathe.

Repeat the following:

“Insolent fools! You have walked right into my nefarious trap! You should have known that this old castle in a warehouse was once my family homestead, and now it just happens to be located inside a building owned by the scientific research and development firm that so flippantly fired me some five years ago! And now, giant spikes made of fire and with man-eating crocodiles attached to the ends will very slowly descend, upon you so that you will eventually be impaled, cooked, and digested over the course of the next several hours. But that’s not the only way you will soon be dying, you do-gooding meddlers! Radioactive acid will also soon begin rising out of the floor, surrounding your feet to the ankle, dissolving you into a pool of gamma-irradiated bubbly water. So, basically, in summary: Your top half will be sliced, burned, and eaten. Your lower half will be melted while also receiving a flash-case of radiation poisoning. Now, I’ll be leaving to go do some things I need to do that are apparently more important than staying here and watching you, the arch-nemesis I have devoted my entire life to defeating, die. Enjoy your demise! Mwa-hahahahahahahahaha!”

* * *

Continue to repeat this monologue at least once a day until you can complete it in one breath, at most. If you can get to that point, you’re definitely ready for the field. For bonus points and added atmosphere, put a superhero in the exact death trap described each time you practice.

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