The Road Back to Me: Healing and Recovering From Co-Dependency, Addiction, Enabling, and Low Self Esteem by Lisa A. Romano

Author:Lisa A. Romano [Romano, Lisa A.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: SELF-HELP / Codependency
ISBN: 9780578102689
Google: z1oHuwAACAAJ
Publisher: Lisa A. Romano
Published: 2012-04-08T22:00:00+00:00

My Grand Plan

I watched lots of television that summer, and did my best to stay out of my mother’s way. She didn’t like seeing me on the couch while she cleaned, so I learned to time my showers and naps around her cleaning regimen. I did lots of thinking, too. Dismayed by the prior two school years, I decided I needed a plan. High school was right around the corner, and in four years I would be gone.

I came to the conclusion that I was better off alone. Making friends had not worked out for me, and I was tired of the pain. I came to accept that my mother and I would never be close, that Marc would always sadly blame me for my parents comparing him to me, and that my father preferred pink elephants to real little girls and boys. Leslie and I weren’t close, and I assumed we’d be the kind of sisters who saw each other once a year during the holidays when we got older, if we saw each other at all.

I imagined myself leaving Queens upon graduation, and getting a job in Manhattan. I saw myself alone, in a neat little apartment with a cat or two. I was resigning myself to a life I would spend in solitude. I told myself I would probably work in an office, and be cold to others purposely so no one would try to get close to me. These ideas became the framework I would build my high school experiences on. My agenda was to get in, and get out, with as little contact with others as possible.

I looked forward to the first day of high school. It was the first day of the beginning of my new plan. I liked my plan, and found comfort in its design to keep me protected from others as well as myself. I felt more confident than ever before, because my goals were clear. My intent was to be as cut off from my peers as possible, and to hurry the next four years into my past speedily. I didn’t need armor now. No one could hurt me, because I had no intention of giving anyone the chance to.

The first day of school came and went, as did the second, third, and fourth. I was relieved to discover how easy it was not to make friends when I didn’t want to. With my plan in full view, I now fought with my mother less, too. I no longer cared whether she approved of me or not. I now disapproved of her, and had decided that once high school was over, we’d have no reason to talk, ever. I learned to accept that my father’s true love was money, and that my expecting him to really hear whatever it was I had to say was a waste of time. And although I wished my brother could see how much I cared for him, I had to learn to accept that he’d never be able to see that through his resentment for me.

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